Not quite up to par.

Breaking with our normal tradition we would ask of you a favor.

Watch the video linked below and click ‘like’ so that he might be allowed to be the opening act for Jeff Foxworthy at the ECAN Esophageal Cancer Action Network benefit next month, which in turn will move us one step closer to no longer having to feed him. <== The video lives here.

Thank you.

And now back to our regularly scheduled drivel.

From: Mrs.Deborah Parr
Date Sent: 7/21/2014 9:18:58 AM
Dear Friend.

Please forgive me if my plea sounds a little strange or unbelievable to you. My family attorney who could have handled the process of executing my WILL & TESTAMENT on my behalf died early this year after a protracted illness. I therefore prayed fervently and by the special grace, i got your email ID from your country’s guest book.

Where to begin?

First, it appears that there must be a great shortage of lawyers, aka barristers in England these days as it appears this woman’s attorney was the last of his breed sending her to the Church of the Internet for help. Why it did not occur to her to find another attorney while hers lay dying is a mystery which may never be solved as it does not appear that her attorney died suddenly.

Second, we were unaware that the United States had a guest book and we certainly would remember signing it, at any rate, had we been aware of its existence. Of course, we rarely sign guest books with our email address, but since this email came addressed to no one in particular, that does not seem to matter.

Third, why do these emails escape being flagged as spam, when nearly all legitimate correspondences from our bank are flagged as such despite our continued efforts to add then to safe sender lists?

I am Mrs. Deborah Parr, a native of London, I am 58 years old. I am suffering from protracted cancer of the lungs which has also affected part of my brain cells due to complications.

At least we are given a partial explanation as to her failure to acquire another attorney.

From all indication, my condition has deteriorated and it is quite obvious according to my doctors that I may not live for the next couple of months, because my condition has gotten to a critical and life threatening stage.

Where will she be for the next couple of months and do the doctors expect her to do better after that time period?

I was orphan at the age of four and was raised in an orphanage.

Quelle surprise!

I was married to my late husband Engineer. Tom Parr, for twenty years without a child.

There is a lot of that going around, it seems.

Tom had cardiovascular condition and died of cardiac arrest few years ago. I am a fervent Believer and a God fearing woman just like my late husband.

Her husband was a God fearing woman? We find ourselves confused.

tom and I lived in Nigeria for over 18 years, where my husband a petrochemical engineer by profession worked and rose through the ranks to become an executive director with a multinational construction and oil servicing conglomerate, before his demise.

As opposed, one might assume, to after his demise.

He also established huge private investments that I assisted in managing.

She managed huge private investments but cannot work out finding a replacement attorney. How odd.

Sequel to the unfortunate and shocking demise of my priceless husband, I decided as a rule not to re-marry when my cancer ailment became terminal & more so because I do not have a next of kin to bequeath all that Tom & I labored for ,I sold off all our choice properties and other inherited belongings comprising of a shopping mall , hotel, shares, bonds, jewelries and other valuable family treasures and deposited the proceeds amounting to USD$10,000,000.00 (TEN MILLION DOLLARS ONLY) with First Inland Bank of Nigeria plc. As I write this fund is still deposited with the bank.

As a rule, people are not usually shocked when someone with, as she put it, “cardiovascular condition” dies from a heart attack. It generally goes with the territory, so to speak.

As to not remarrying – she claims to be unwilling to remarry in order to maintain a lack of next of kin.

Also, where on earth is there a place where ten million dollars will get you a shopping mall or a hotel, let alone both – not to mention the stocks, bonds jewelry and other paraphernalia. Sounds like quite the fire sale.

The management of the bank just wrote me as the sole owner because of the unserviceable status of the fund and suggested to me in a 2 paragraph statement to issue a letter of authorization to someone who can manage the fund on my behalf because of my ill health and also threatened that the fund could be confiscated upon my failure to adhere to their Banking rules and regulations within a stipulated time frame.

Good lord, the bank sent her two whole paragraphs! It must mean business then, mustn’t it?

I am presently at the intensive care unit of a London hospital, located at Fulham road in west London. It is the leading cancer treatment hospital in the world and I have been undergoing treatment there for late-stage terminal cancer of the lungs.

In the closet approach to truth that may be present in this missive, there are hospitals on Fulham Road in London, none seem to be the greatest research facility on earth, but who are we to judge.

I am computer literate and was fortunate enough to have my personal laptop with me, hence I am writing from my sick bed. I rarely talk, my doctors told me that I have only few months to live, unless there is a divine intervention.

It is fortunate that she had her laptop with her, as it is nearly impossible to have anyone fetch one’s belongings after being placed in a hospital. We assume that her doctor’s may not be certain that she is aware of her condition as she doesn’t seem to be on speaking terms with them.

Apparently her god is only good at culling email addresses from national guest books. We would suggest that she try the Church of Latter Day Edsel Hubcap Salesmen. It is a quiet life in service to our Ford. We could send a pamphlet, should she so desire.

It is my last WISH therefore to see that 90% of this fund is invested in any charitable organization of your choice and administered as you may deem fit, especially to the orphanage homes and homes for destitute and the mentally retarded.

So we are to distribute $9,000,000 however we see fit, we can keep the remaining ten percent then, yes?

You can also extend some part of the funds to churches and mosques and to those struck by natural disaster, if you wish 10% of the fund could also be expended on cost of administration of WILL & TESTAMENT and also on logistic support and other sundry arrangements that you may require as soon as the fund gets to you.

There goes the ten percent.

I crave your indulgence as a God fearing individual and as someone who cares for the less-privileged as much as I do, to take it upon yourself and use this fund for the above mentioned purposes took this painstaking decision in other to help humanity in my little capacity before I rest in peace in the bosom of GOD almighty. According to my physicians my time will soon be up.

Randomly selecting an email address and sending a somewhat hastily cobbled together missive hardly strikes us as painstaking.

As soon as I receive your reply and personal information as listed below, I shall give you the official contact of the First Inland Bank plc officials, to enable you contact the Bank without delays. I will also issue you with a letter of authorization, so that my banker will recognize your status as the new beneficiary of this fund.

We know at some point there will be fees. There are always fees.

The letter of authorization will further prove that you are the new beneficiary of my ESTATE, WILL & TESTAMENT. The funds have an open beneficiary mandate and as such, it is whom I authorize or appoint to act on my behalf that the bank will recognize and release the funds to. Please assure me that you will not treat this offer with levity but will rather give my bequest continued existence.

WE would be delighted to give your bequest continued existence were we able to ascertain what the would entail.

Send the information in this order:

(1) Your full names: =============================
(2) Personal or official contact address: ===============================
(3) Home or Office phone#:============
Cell phone#:==========

(4) Your Age: ===============
(5)Occupation: ===========================
(6)Marital status: ========================
(7) Sex: ====================

If we list our cell phone before our home phone will we be disqualified?

Awaiting your kind response while craving your appreciation of my predicament.

We hope that she is not holding her breath, we understand all too well her predicament.

Sincerely Yours,
Mrs.Deborah Parr
(London UK)
Private Email:

Why use an email address from Istanbul?

Sorry Mrs. Parr we feel that you may have double-bogied.

We shall not be contacting you further.

This is a fraud.

That is all.

This entry was posted in Email fraud, Humor, Political Satire, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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