Today’s scam is brought to you by the letter “F”

When we receive mail such as the following, we often look for curious phrases to run through search engines, more for our one amusement than anything else.

For this message we chose the phrase “released disk”.  We tried the search on Google, ask.com and Bing, expecting similar results from all three. Google, returned a variation of this letter on the first page, as did Ask.com. Bing, rather disappointingly, found nothing until page seven.

So, if you’re trying to find out if you’re being fooled, we suggest that you do not as Bing.

Anyway, we digress.

Subject: Regarding Your Unpaid Fund.
From: Miss Rita Okey
Date Sent: 3/26/2015 2:25:18 AM

From the subject, we gather we are going to be offered money of some sort.

Dear Beneficiary,

The money will probably be from some recently deceased unknown stranger.

I am Miss Rita Okey a computer scientist working with central bank of Nigeria. I just started work with C.B.N. and I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it  and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and but the fund was not released to you.

We read the help wanted sections from time to time and, as a rule, banks do not generally recruit computer scientists.  We have seen files marked X before. As a rule, painting disks, red or any other color, is not recommended. It tends to convert them from floppy disks to sticky disks.

The most annoying thing is that they won’t tell you the truth that on no account will they ever release the fund to you, instead they allow you spend money unnecessarily, I do not intend to work here all the days of my life, I can release this fund to you if you can certify me of my security.

Sadly we are not in the protection racket, else we might be willing to avail ourselves of your kind offer.

I need to do this because you need to know the statues of your Funds and cause for the delay, Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria, you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian. The only thing needed to release this fund is the 2015 New Payment Authorization Code which will be Fixed in your release disk and confirmation to the FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE (FMF) for clearance of the transferred amount in your account.

Why are there statues of our funds? We also do not think that being Nigerian would make this any clearer.

Once the 2015 New Payment Authorization Code is obtained funds will immediately reflect in your bank within 24hrs, the code is all that is needed to complete this transaction.

We had a 2012 New Payment Authorization Code, is there a discount for upgrading?

Note that the actual funds are valued at $25 MILLION USD and the lists below are the mafias and banks behind the non release of your funds that t I managed to sneak out for your kind perusal.

Apparently, she had been discussing the fictitious funds before this.

And here is the list of those out to get us.

1) Prof. Charles soludo

2) Senator David Mark

3) Chief Joseph Sanusi

4) Dr. R. Rasheed

5) Barrister Awele Ugorji

6) Mr. Roland Ngwa

7) Barrister Ucheuzo Williams

8) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Obi

9) Dr. Patrick Aziza – Deputy Governor – Policy / Board Member

10) Mr. Tunde Lemon – Deputy Governor – Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member

11) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia Deputy Governor – Corporate Services / Board Members

What happened to twelve? There’s supposed to be a twelve.

13) Mrs. Rita Ekwesili

14) Barr Jacob Onyema

15) Dr. Godwin Oboh: Director Union Bank Of Nigeria.

16) Mr. John Collins: Global Diplomat Director.

17) Foreign fund diplomatic courier

18) Barr. Becky Owens

19) Rev. Steven Jones

20) Bank of Africa

21) Mrs. Debbie Hargrove

22) Mr. Michael Wagner

From this point on until we reach number seventy seven, all names have at least one name starting with the letter “F”. Fabulous.

23) Barr. Isa Farid

24) Dr. Raymond Faye

25) Ibraheem Fashola

26) Dr. Leslie Fawaz

27) Mercy Fajaroo

28) Walter K. Falana

29) Azeez Fatou

30) Ibrahim Fabumi

31) Daniel Faras

32) Michael Faras

33) Minassa Fernandez

34) Viresh Fernando

35) Deacon Diende Fernandez

36) Ben Felix

37) Dr. Ige Femi

38) Chen Hsiu Fei

39) Gloria Festus

40) Lopez Fernando

41) Aloye Fidelis

42) Augusto Fish

43) Dr. Raymond Fingesi

44) Dr. Martin Fibu

45) Joseph Finn

46) Ogom Fidelis

47) Jennifer H. Fiedler

48) Dr. Jimmy Fowler

49) Robert Fortin

50) Dr. Sharon Forrest

51) Prince Michael Fofano

52) Sarah Fofano

53) Tony Foster

54) Dr. Koman Fofar

55) Samuel Fona

56) Fred Gate

57) Funmi Folorunso

58) Mike Franklin

59) Egbo Francois

60) George Freeman

61) Senator Jude Fred

62) Paul Frank

63) Dr. Francis Fregere

64) Walter Freer < /font>

65) Olu-Segun Fredrick

66) Justice Philip Francis

67) Raul Franco

68) Desmond Fred

69) Madu Frank

70) Rita Frank

71) Godwin Frank

72) Dr. J. Frances

73) Frank Francis

74) Derrick Frans

75) Kingsley Fred

76) Dr. Carlos Frederico

77) Dr Ola Funmilowo

Having finished the “F” names, we now leap ahead to number one hundred seventeen. We don’t pretend to know why.

117) Engr. Sule Garuba

118) Idris Garuba

119) Mustapha Garuba

120) ADB Bank Ouagadougou Burkina Faso

121) FSA UK

122) NATWEST BANK

123) ECO Bank

124) Credit Bank

125) Barr Greg Thompson

126) MARK JAMES

127)MR FEMI JONSE

128)Mrs. Linda WAZIRI

Well, it seems that the enemy has brought quite a force to bear upon us.

Do get in touch with me immediately. to conclude this final transaction immediately, and also send to me your details including your telephone  numbers for easy communications.+234 8115354496

Regards

Rita Okey

 Thank you, Rita, for your efforts, but we feel required to pass.

Should you hear from Rita, do not attempt to reclaim the twenty five million dollars. You will only fail after spending a unknown amount of money.

For you see, this is a fraud.

That is all.

Posted in Email fraud, Humor, Satire | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

This message will self-destruct in 3… 2…

This arrived the other day. It points out the need to learn the language that you with which are attempting to communicate.

We are expected, we assume, to believe that this has originated on behalf of the International Monetary Fund which, unfortunately for the author, shares its initials with another organization, the Impossible Mission Force.

Subject: FROM IMF HEAD OFFICE COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC
From: USA AMBASSADOR
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Date Sent: 3/12/2015 4:04:22 PM

IMFLogoLogo1Logo2IMFLogo

As is quite often the case, the message came addressed to our alter-ego, Undisclosed Recipients.

FROM IMF HEAD OFFICE COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC
OFFICE ADDRESS 88 GOV ROD CA JACKSON 2  COTONOU BENIN

We tried – and failed – to locate the offices using various map searches. We looked for both the Impossible Mission Force and the International Monetary Fund, whose logo imf_seal
wasn’t all that difficult to locate. Of course, we didn’t look on customaniacs.org which seems to be the watermark on the other IMF logo.

PLEASE  DON’T OVER-LOOK THIS E-MAIL.

We seldom overlook emails from our friends in Africa, although we believe the ‘r’ in friends may be superfluous.

MY DEAR  THIS IS MY (10) GOOD YEARS WORKING UNDER (I.M.F) OFFICE AND I HAVE NO CRIMINAL RECORD SO FAR AND IT WILL NOT START IN YOUR OWN TIME RATHER YOU WILL SHOWS YOUR APPRECIATION TO ME BY SENDING ME A GIFT ONCE THIS TRANSFER FINALIZE AND YOU HAVE YOUR FUND RECEIVED AS I PROMISE YOU FROM THE BEGINNING.

If we interpret the preceding correctly, we are to send the author a gift if he doesn’t become a criminal in the immediate future.

YOU AND I KNOWS THAT  THERE IS SO MANY SCAMS IS GOING AROUND THE GLOBAL WORLD TODAY USING NAMES OF BANKS OFFICES AND COMPANY’S TO SCAM MONEY OUT FROM INNOCENT PEOPLE BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT EVERY BODY IS A SCAM.

True enough, not everybody in the global world is a scammer, however it has been our experience that there are great pockets of them in Conotou, Benin.

AS IT STANDS NOW, I HAVE NOTING TO PROVE MYSELF THAT I AM NOT AMONG THE SCAMMERS UNTIL I FULFILLED MY PROMISE BY GETTING YOUR FUND TRANSFER TO YOU, THAT IS ONLY WAY I CAN PROVE MYSELF INNOCENT IN THIS MATTER AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M DOING SO FAR BY TRY MY BEST TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE YOUR FUND.

It may be a variation on a theme. but the preceding paragraph translates loosely as “Trust me”.

I FEEL THE PROBLEM YOU HAVE NOW IS NOT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE MONEY TO SEND BUT LACK OF TRUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN CHEATED MANY TIMES WITH THIS TRICK OF SENDING MONEY TO MINE PEOPLE RELEASE YOUR FUND . ALTHOUGH, I AM NOT AGAINST WHAT YOU HAVE SAID BECAUSE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING TO PEOPLE IN THIS GLOBL WORLD TODAY.

We assure you we have never been cheated in this regard and do not recall having said anything to this individual in the global world, but we may have besmirched him on other planes of existence.

WHICH I KNOW THAT AFTER THIS CHARGE YOUR FUND WILL BEEN TRANSFER TO YOU ,KINDLY GIVE ME THIS LAST CHANCE AND TRUST AND SEE IF I WILL NOT FULFILLED MY PROMISE TO YOU BY GETTING YOUR FUND TO YOU WITH OUT ANY FURTHER DELAYS AND REMEMBER THAT THIS WILL BE MY LAST CHANCE TO PROVE MYSELF INNOCENT, AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER YOU SEND THE $60.00  YOUR FUND WILL BE TRANSFER TO YOU IMMEDIATELY.

The oddest part of this missive is that they want us to send sixty dollars but have made no effort to entice us with dreams of riches and ATM cards, etc. All they have to offer is a fund, amount unspecified.

SEND VIA WESTERN UNION  OR MONEY GRAM WITH THIS INFORMATION DOWN TO BENIN REPUBLIC.

From our particular frame of reference Benin is to the right rather than down.

RECEIVER NAME: FELIX OFOR
COUNTRY IS / BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY ADDRESS IS / COTONOU
QUESTION:… FAST
ANSWER:… NOW
AMOUNT:………….$60 USD
MTCN:…………………….
SENDERS NAME:………

SEND THE PAYMENT DETAILS TO ME WHICH ARE SENDERS NAME AND ADDRESS, MTCN NUMBER, TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER USED AND THE AMOUNT SENT.

THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.

munson

We do not know why they felt it was necessary to include a picture of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, but they did.

THANKS AS I WAIT FOR YOUR RESPONSE

RESPECTIVELY   CALL +229-66025274

MIF. Directors DR. KERRY M REX MUNSON

In a stunning surprise, we also received this same email from  DR. JOSEPH SIMON. He did not provide any pretty pictures, not to imply that Mr. Strauss-Kahn is in any way pretty.

UPDATE 3.25.2015 – Yet another version from BARR KATHERI TAYLOR. This must have been in this month’s template package.

We ran this email through a grammar checker and are pleased to announce that, with kindness and care, the checker is expected to make a full recovery.
As attempts at scams go, this one falls quite short of being effective.We must, therefore, conclude that this is a fraud.
That is all.

Posted in Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Efrem Zimbalist must be spinning in his grave. Junior that is.

Today we hear from the:
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI. WASHINGTON DC.
ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING.
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
who seem to have hired the Department of Redundancy Department to design their email header.

We remember Efrem Zimbalist’s son Efrem Zimbalist’s The F.B.I.. It always struck us that they had better things to do than this letter would suggest.

Let us see, there are two FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONs, two FBIs, two WASHINGTON,  D.C.s , one WASHINGTON DC. and a partridge in a pear tree.

We gather from this valiant effort that we are to assume, incorrectly we might add, that this particular document originated in the offices of the FBI (should you need their location, see the paragraph above).

 Attention: Beneficiary,

We the FBI at the Scammed Victims Compensation Unit would like to bring to your notice that your email address has won you the sum of $1.5, 000,000.00 USD ($1.5 million USA dollars) from the United Nations World Organizations (UNO) due to the uncontrollable fraudulent activities which has been going on in the United State Of America and most part of the World.

First we were unaware that the FBI ran lotteries. Second we would think that our own government would be able to correctly format a dollar amount. We have never seen $1.5,000,000.00 used before this. We do understand their meaning but it doesn’t help their credibility. Third, we apparently won this lottery because of their inability to do their job. And fourthly, we have been led to believe that there are fifty United States of America, not just one.

Your email address was gotten as a result of the previous investigation carried out by the FBI homeland security on fraudsters that was cut at 532 la copita. San Ramon California 94583 USA. He was cut sending fake ATM card and Bank Cheques to people and on the investigation process a group of email addresses of America citizen who has been scam lot of money where found in his PC. They have been taken to Court for persecution.

We had a great deal of difficulty with the preceding paragraph. It sounds as if their investigation may have culminated in a knife fight. We have no idea who the ‘they’ referred to might be. As an aside to the author we would add that warning people about the very scam you are trying to perpetrate is never good form. “Trust me” should always be taken as a warning.

Series of meetings have been held over the past two weeks with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization Gen. Banki Moon. This ended 3 days ago, and It is obvious that you have not received your own compensation fund which is to the tune of $1.5, 000, 000, 00 Million USA Dollars, due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the funds to themselves for their selfish reasons and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

Ban Ki-moon is the is the Secretary General of the United Nations. It appears our funds have been at the center of a vast conspiracy.

    However, the National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current Governor of Washington DC his Excellency Governor Jay Inslee to boost these exercise of clearing all foreign debts owned to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes.

This paragraph is where credibility went to die. If all of those law enforcement organizations cannot puzzle out the Jay Inslee is the governor of the state of Washington rather that the governor of Washington D.C., which coincidently has no governor, then we, as a species, are on thin ice, global warming not withstanding.

Now how would you like to receive your Compensation Funds Award worth the sum of $1.5 Million USD? Because we have two method of payment which is by Bank Cashier Cheque or by ATM Debit Master Card?

Given the choices we would most likely choose the cashier’s cheque or, as we say in the United State, check. We believe, however, that we are about to be presented with hoops to traverse prior to the check’s arrival.

  ATM Debit Master Card: We will be issuing you an ATM Debit Master Card which you can be able to withdraw up to $10,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2018. Also with the ATM Debit Mater Card you will be able to transfer Money into your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook manual to enlighten you on how to make use of it. You can get this ATM card even if you do not have a bank account.

If we assume that we were, in fact, able to withdraw ten thousand dollars a day from an ATM, it should only take one hundred fifty days to liberate the one point five million dollars, so we think that renewing the card should not be necessary. We have never received a manual with an ATM card from any bank with which we have has dealings. We would love to see a hard bound first edition of “Swipe card, enter pin”. It would fill a great empty space in our bookshelf.

  Bank Cashier Cheque: Your Funds would be deposited into the World Bank of America your bank for and you will be issued a Cheque which would be cleared within next three working days into your personal Bank account.

We played Stump the band with Google using World Bank of America. We are pleased to report that we won the round.

Your Compensation Funds Award would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be delivered to you via the UPS Courier Service, because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire in next three weeks. But before the UPS can leave for your doorstep you will only need to pay for their Delivery fee to your home which is only $380 Dollars instead of paying $565 Dollars thereby saving you $185 Dollars and if you pay before the three weeks of febuary 2015 you save yourself $185. Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely Imposters and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any.

We once attempted to ship a small refrigerator from Los Angles, CA. to Boston, MA. via both UPS and FedEx. Both organizations wanted one hundred seventy dollars, which being more that the price of a new refrigerator, resulted in a donation of said refrigerator to Goodwill Industries. We therefore conclude that they must be shipping an ATM rather than just a card. We also must conclude that, based on experience, three hundred eighty dollars is well above the usual fee, that the individual writing to us must be, in reality, one of the imposters of whom they speak.

    Note: Every other Bills and Taxes has been taken care of by the Federal Government of Washington DC, The United Nation and also the United State FBI, the UPS Courier service delivery fee is all you will ever have to pay which is $380 USA Dollars only. Do not send money to anyone until you read this and have heard from me. The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is $565 dollars but because UPS have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to pay when package is delivered for international shipping We had to sign contract with them for bulk shipping which makes the fees reduce from the actual fee of $565 to $380 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort!

At the place I unfortunately refer to as my ‘day job’, we ship using UPS COD on a daily basis. They have not notified us of the program’s discontinuance as of this time. We again must conclude that they are sending an ATM rather than a card, as a card, as a rule is not bulky.

Below are few list of tracking numbers you can track from the (UPS) Website (WWW.UPS.COM). To confirm beneficiaries like you who have received their payment successfully.

JOHNNY ALMANTE ==============1Z2X59394198080570
GARY METZGER ==============1Z2X59394195952759
GLEN PAPANIKAS ==============1Z2X59394198690947

We tried to track these number but, as happened with Google, we won the round.

  To effect the release of your Compensation funds valued at $1.5,000,000.00 USD ($1.5 Million USA dollars) you are advised to contact our correspondent at the FBI Headquarters in Washington DC the delivery officer Agent Leonard David with this contact information below!

One would think that with the current controversy regarding Hillary and her private email, that an FBI agent would be smart enough to not use Gmail.

Name: FBI AGENT.  Leonard David
Email:  leonarddavid504@gmail.com
       
     You are advised to contact him with the information’s as stated below; thereby making your UPS Courier delivery fee of $380.00 USD available to avoiding much delays:

Your full Name…………
Your Address:…………..
Home/Cell Phone:……..
Your Occupation……….
Your Identity…………….
Country……………….
Zip code………………

It always amazes us as to how these people find us when they have no idea who we are.

    Upon receipt of payment details been confirmed available the UPS delivery officer will ensure that your package is delivered to you personally within 24 working hours, Because we are so sure of everything and we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive Compensation Funds Award within the next 24 hrs after you have made the payment for shipping your package to you, And make sure that you keep the receipt of the $380 payment that you made because that is the prove you will show to the delivery team when they arrive at your doorstep with your package.

We love a scam with a money back guarantee. It makes us feel much better knowing that they’ll return our money if we catch them in a lie. How many working days is twenty four working hours? Anyone?

  Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your Compensation Funds Award worth the sum of $1.5 Million USD, you are hereby advice only to be in contact Leonard David of the ATM card payment center who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your Compensation Funds payment and forward any email notification you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon and commence investigation please assist us fight against Internet Cyber Crime.

Kindly click on the link to view the Internet Fraudsters that was cut by the FBI<http://www.cis.uab.edu/forensics/blog/Romanian.arrested.jul14.jpg 
http://www.fbi.gov/newyork/press-releases/images/nyfo061710_2.jpg http://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/2010/may/timessquare_050410/image/ny.jpg >

The three links above led to the three pictures below:

We believe the pictures are to reassure us. They do not. What they have to do with cut fraudsters is unclear as well.

  Note: This email fully under supervision of the FBI and will be until you have your ATM card at your door step, so kindly follow the instruction and have this Card delivered to your address without any more delay by paying the UPS Courier Delivery service fee and send to  United State FBI Approved officer Mark As stated above.

It seems the FBI can track emails everywhere. The officer above was Leonard not Mark. How confusing.

Yours Sincerely,
Miss Kayla Courney
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Thank you and God bless you

It seems Miss Courney is unaware of the separation of church and state. We shall inform her superiors or perhaps we will accept that this is a fraud and return to our regularly scheduled lives.

That is all.

P.S Please go here and click the little Thumbs Up. Our food budget thanks you.

Now, that is all.

Posted in Email fraud, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Not quite up to par.

Breaking with our normal tradition we would ask of you a favor.

Watch the video linked below and click ‘like’ so that he might be allowed to be the opening act for Jeff Foxworthy at the ECAN Esophageal Cancer Action Network benefit next month, which in turn will move us one step closer to no longer having to feed him.

https://youtu.be/flw9HWuIqQI <== The video lives here.

Thank you.

And now back to our regularly scheduled drivel.

Subject: MY WARMYLY GREETINGS !!!
From: Mrs.Deborah Parr
Date Sent: 7/21/2014 9:18:58 AM
Dear Friend.

Please forgive me if my plea sounds a little strange or unbelievable to you. My family attorney who could have handled the process of executing my WILL & TESTAMENT on my behalf died early this year after a protracted illness. I therefore prayed fervently and by the special grace, i got your email ID from your country’s guest book.

Where to begin?

First, it appears that there must be a great shortage of lawyers, aka barristers in England these days as it appears this woman’s attorney was the last of his breed sending her to the Church of the Internet for help. Why it did not occur to her to find another attorney while hers lay dying is a mystery which may never be solved as it does not appear that her attorney died suddenly.

Second, we were unaware that the United States had a guest book and we certainly would remember signing it, at any rate, had we been aware of its existence. Of course, we rarely sign guest books with our email address, but since this email came addressed to no one in particular, that does not seem to matter.

Third, why do these emails escape being flagged as spam, when nearly all legitimate correspondences from our bank are flagged as such despite our continued efforts to add then to safe sender lists?

I am Mrs. Deborah Parr, a native of London, I am 58 years old. I am suffering from protracted cancer of the lungs which has also affected part of my brain cells due to complications.

At least we are given a partial explanation as to her failure to acquire another attorney.

From all indication, my condition has deteriorated and it is quite obvious according to my doctors that I may not live for the next couple of months, because my condition has gotten to a critical and life threatening stage.

Where will she be for the next couple of months and do the doctors expect her to do better after that time period?

I was orphan at the age of four and was raised in an orphanage.

Quelle surprise!

I was married to my late husband Engineer. Tom Parr, for twenty years without a child.

There is a lot of that going around, it seems.

Tom had cardiovascular condition and died of cardiac arrest few years ago. I am a fervent Believer and a God fearing woman just like my late husband.

Her husband was a God fearing woman? We find ourselves confused.

tom and I lived in Nigeria for over 18 years, where my husband a petrochemical engineer by profession worked and rose through the ranks to become an executive director with a multinational construction and oil servicing conglomerate, before his demise.

As opposed, one might assume, to after his demise.

He also established huge private investments that I assisted in managing.

She managed huge private investments but cannot work out finding a replacement attorney. How odd.

Sequel to the unfortunate and shocking demise of my priceless husband, I decided as a rule not to re-marry when my cancer ailment became terminal & more so because I do not have a next of kin to bequeath all that Tom & I labored for ,I sold off all our choice properties and other inherited belongings comprising of a shopping mall , hotel, shares, bonds, jewelries and other valuable family treasures and deposited the proceeds amounting to USD$10,000,000.00 (TEN MILLION DOLLARS ONLY) with First Inland Bank of Nigeria plc. As I write this fund is still deposited with the bank.

As a rule, people are not usually shocked when someone with, as she put it, “cardiovascular condition” dies from a heart attack. It generally goes with the territory, so to speak.

As to not remarrying – she claims to be unwilling to remarry in order to maintain a lack of next of kin.

Also, where on earth is there a place where ten million dollars will get you a shopping mall or a hotel, let alone both – not to mention the stocks, bonds jewelry and other paraphernalia. Sounds like quite the fire sale.

The management of the bank just wrote me as the sole owner because of the unserviceable status of the fund and suggested to me in a 2 paragraph statement to issue a letter of authorization to someone who can manage the fund on my behalf because of my ill health and also threatened that the fund could be confiscated upon my failure to adhere to their Banking rules and regulations within a stipulated time frame.

Good lord, the bank sent her two whole paragraphs! It must mean business then, mustn’t it?

I am presently at the intensive care unit of a London hospital, located at Fulham road in west London. It is the leading cancer treatment hospital in the world and I have been undergoing treatment there for late-stage terminal cancer of the lungs.

In the closet approach to truth that may be present in this missive, there are hospitals on Fulham Road in London, none seem to be the greatest research facility on earth, but who are we to judge.

I am computer literate and was fortunate enough to have my personal laptop with me, hence I am writing from my sick bed. I rarely talk, my doctors told me that I have only few months to live, unless there is a divine intervention.

It is fortunate that she had her laptop with her, as it is nearly impossible to have anyone fetch one’s belongings after being placed in a hospital. We assume that her doctor’s may not be certain that she is aware of her condition as she doesn’t seem to be on speaking terms with them.

Apparently her god is only good at culling email addresses from national guest books. We would suggest that she try the Church of Latter Day Edsel Hubcap Salesmen. It is a quiet life in service to our Ford. We could send a pamphlet, should she so desire.

It is my last WISH therefore to see that 90% of this fund is invested in any charitable organization of your choice and administered as you may deem fit, especially to the orphanage homes and homes for destitute and the mentally retarded.

So we are to distribute $9,000,000 however we see fit, we can keep the remaining ten percent then, yes?

You can also extend some part of the funds to churches and mosques and to those struck by natural disaster, if you wish 10% of the fund could also be expended on cost of administration of WILL & TESTAMENT and also on logistic support and other sundry arrangements that you may require as soon as the fund gets to you.

There goes the ten percent.

I crave your indulgence as a God fearing individual and as someone who cares for the less-privileged as much as I do, to take it upon yourself and use this fund for the above mentioned purposes took this painstaking decision in other to help humanity in my little capacity before I rest in peace in the bosom of GOD almighty. According to my physicians my time will soon be up.

Randomly selecting an email address and sending a somewhat hastily cobbled together missive hardly strikes us as painstaking.

As soon as I receive your reply and personal information as listed below, I shall give you the official contact of the First Inland Bank plc officials, to enable you contact the Bank without delays. I will also issue you with a letter of authorization, so that my banker will recognize your status as the new beneficiary of this fund.

We know at some point there will be fees. There are always fees.

The letter of authorization will further prove that you are the new beneficiary of my ESTATE, WILL & TESTAMENT. The funds have an open beneficiary mandate and as such, it is whom I authorize or appoint to act on my behalf that the bank will recognize and release the funds to. Please assure me that you will not treat this offer with levity but will rather give my bequest continued existence.

WE would be delighted to give your bequest continued existence were we able to ascertain what the would entail.

Send the information in this order:

(1) Your full names: =============================
(2) Personal or official contact address: ===============================
(3) Home or Office phone#:============
Cell phone#:==========
Fax#:=======

(4) Your Age: ===============
(5)Occupation: ===========================
(6)Marital status: ========================
(7) Sex: ====================

If we list our cell phone before our home phone will we be disqualified?

Awaiting your kind response while craving your appreciation of my predicament.

We hope that she is not holding her breath, we understand all too well her predicament.

Sincerely Yours,
Mrs.Deborah Parr
(London UK)
Private Email: deborah_parr1@superposta.com

Why use an email address from Istanbul?

Sorry Mrs. Parr we feel that you may have double-bogied.

We shall not be contacting you further.

This is a fraud.

That is all.

Posted in Email fraud, Humor, Political Satire, Sarcasm, Satire | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

I don’t think that’s how they work.

TFAmex

Has anyone else noticed that in the Tina Fey American Express commercials that she swipes her card with the magnetic stripe on the wrong side?

Watch carefully. The image above is at 00:29.

We could all save a lot of money if we could use them this way.

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7gYl/american-express-everyday-card-everyday-moments-feat-tina-fey

That is all.

Posted in Humor, Sarcasm | Tagged , | Leave a comment

KNOW MORE TO BE FOUND? Didn’t know we were lost.

Given the volume of emails which we receive along the lines of the following, we are bothered by the nagging thought that there are people living among us, hopefully not breeding, who would seize upon such a tome as an opportunity not to be missed.

Could this be a legitimate offer of riches? Let’s examine the evidence.

Subject: ATTENTION PLEASE GET BACK TO ME NOW IS GOOD NEWS
From: Dr.Peter Chris.
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Date Sent: 3/15/2014 10:44:07 AM

Right off the top we have CAPITAL LETTERS. Only the most important and valid offers come dressed all in CAPITAL LETTERS. We think they teach that technique in the better schools.

We also recognize the universal greeting “undisclosed-recipients”. We wonder why it is not used more frequently.

ATTENTION PLEASE GET BACK TO ME NOW IS GOOD NEWS

Punctuation and grammar are, as always, optional.

I AM SORRY TO TELL YOU IF THIS IT’S NOT TRUE. I RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM
MR.JAMES KELLER,HE CALLED US YESTERDAY WITH THIS TELEPHONE
NUMBER:866862311 INFORMING ME THAT YOU ARE DEAD AND HE SAID THAT I
SHOULD SEND HIM YOUR FUND TO HIS HOME ADDRESS: 1011 S 7TH ST.
WATERTOWN, WI 53094, USA, BECAUSE HE IS YOUR NEXT OF KIN BENEFICIARY
TO YOU, AND HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT YOU INSTRUCTED HIM TO CLAIM YOUR
PROPERTIES INCLUDING YOUR MONEY IN CASE BECAUSE YOU ARE NO MORE TO BE
FOUND ON EARTH.

First question: If it was true, would they be happy to tell us we’re dead?

Second question: What type of organization accepts email and a phone number as identification when large sums of money are involved?

Third question: Will they charge Mr. Keller any money to do this?

Fourth question: How did Mr. Keller get a nine digit phone number in Wisconsin?

We searched for Mr. Keller and found this, which appears to be one of the author’s earlier works.

I AM VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE KNOW MORE TO BE FOUND ON EARTH
AND I DON’T KNOW THAT THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT REPLY THE
EMAILS I SENT TO YOU REGADING THE TRANSFERRING OF YOUR FUND.THIS IS MY
PROMISE TO YOU THAT I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING WITHIN MY POWER TO
MAKE SURE THAT YOUR FUND IS BE TRANSFER TO HIM AS YOUR NEXT OF KIN
BENEFICIAL TO YOU MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE AND MAY GOD
GRATE YOU INTERNAL LIFE ON THE LAST DAY TO COME I AM VERY VERY SORRY.

This paragraph would make an interesting greeting card. “Sorry to hear that you’re dead.” If we were, in fact, no more to be found, it would most likely be because we were hiding from the likes of you. Telling a dead person that you are going to give their money to an imposter doesn’t work for too many reasons to list.

As far as God grating our internal life goes, we can think of more pleasant ways to spend eternity.

 HE DID ALSO SAID HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO SPEND SOME MONEY TO GET THE
FUND BECAUSE YOU TOLD HIM SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND I SHOULD LET HIM
KNOW THE COST,I TOLD HE TO HOLD ON AND LET ME VERIFY IF THIS IS TRUE
OR NOT BECAUSE I AM CONFUSED NOW ABOUT THIS CLAIM’S ARE ADVICE TO SEND
YOUR ADDRESS TO ENABLE ME PROCEED ON YOUR TRANSFER IF THIS IS NOT TRUE
BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION YOU ARE TO PAY FOR THE APPROVAL CERTIFICATE
FEE OF YOUR FUND,WHICH THE IF IT IS TRUE THAT YOU ARE STILL ALIVE

Ah, so they do plan to charge him a fee. At least they’re consistent. One could have a field day punctuating the previous paragraph.

THESE ARE YOUR FUNERAL PICTURES HE SUBMITTED TO ME AS THE FINAL
CEREMONY OF YOUR BURIAL I AM EXPECTING FOR THE PAYMENT RECEIPT OF THE
$55.00 USD DOLLARS, YOU ARE TO USE THE NAME INFORMATION’S ( MR JOHN
OBI ) AND FORWARDED THE PAYMENT SLIP URGENTLY TO MY IMMEDIATE ACTION
TO ENABLE YOU RECEIVED YOUR FUND IN YOU COUNTRY.FORWARDED THE PAYMENT
RECEIPT THROUGH OUR ECO BANK DIRECTOR GENERAL HERE
(eecobakplc1@gmail.com  ) YOU ARE MANDATED TO COMPLY TO US WITH THE
PAYMENT SLIP. THANKS BE INFORM THAT AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE $55 USD TO
MR JOHN OBI TOMORROW MORNING,YOUR FUNDS OF USD$4.800,000.00 WILL BE
TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT IN YOU COUNTRY ON OR
BEFORE TOMORROW MORNING

Dear Acme Insurance Company,

We would like you to pay the death benefit from our policy to someone who will show up in your offices later today wearing a mullet wig, baseball cap, sunglasses and an obviously fake moustache. They will have as proof of our demise as a fuzzy out of focus photograph of a graveside ceremony. Please make the check out to Undisclosed Recipients.

Thank you,

Undisclosed Recipients

That would be about as effective, don’t you think?

THANKS, PLEASE WE ARE EXPECTING FOR THE PAYMENT RECEIPT URGENT.THIS IS
THE NAMED ( MR JOHN OBI ) YOU ARE MANDATED TO COMPLY TO US WITH THE
PAYMENT SLIP.AND HOW LONG ARE YOUR GOING TO SEND THE MONEY TELL ME OK
GOOD MORNING AND HAPPY EASTER. YOU ARE STILL HOLDING THIS YOUR FUND IN
THIS UBA BANK $4.8 MILLION DOLLARS GO AND MAKE THIS PAYMENT AND
RECEIVE YOUR FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT. THIS IS MONEY GRAM5G
INFORMATION

Please slow down. This is a lot of information for a dead person to absorb. If we are still holding the money why do we need to pay $55 to get it back from us? We do not remember being schizophrenic. Do we?

RECEIVER NAME :…….MR JOHN OBI
COUNTRY……………BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY……………………COTONOU
QUESTION…………..HOW LONG
ANSWER…………….TODAY
AMOUNT…………….$55.00 USD
MTCN…………..
SENDERS
NAME……..

WE AWAIT FOR THE PAYMENT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TOMORROW MORNING.
YOUR URGENT RESPOND IS HIGHLY NEEDED.AND REMEMBER TO CALL ME AS SOON
AS YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL REGARD .THANK YOU.

It’s always a big rush isn’t it. This is probably how the money got misplaced in the first place.

+229 99 451 433
THANKS MY REGARDS
REV DR.PETER CHRIS:

Apparently Dr. Chris attended divinity school during the course of writing this.

Alas, once again, we must conclude that this is a FRAUD.

That is all.

Posted in Email fraud, Humor, Sarcasm | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

A worthy cause

This petition is available at

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/win-war-terror-without-single-dead-soldier-declare-iran-nation-immigrants/33C0Zbgf

Win The War on Terror Without a Single Dead Soldier—-Declare Iran a “NATION OF IMMIGRANTS.”

Did you know that Iran is a vibrant, ethnically diverse melting-pot of Kurds, Turks, Azeris, and Arabs?

Iran owes its Islamic heritage to a wave of immigration from Arabia over a thousand years ago.

Instead of war, we urge the President to build upon this multicultural heritage and declare Iran a “Nation of Immigrants.”

That way Iran will be obliged to accept millions of immigrants from West Africa and Latin America.

Any Iranian who resisted would surely be called “racist” and fired from his job.

By 2060, Iranians would be reduced to a small minority and no longer a threat. By 2100 the Iranians would disappear completely.

Don’t declare “War.” Declare “Nation of Immigrants.” The results are the same without a single shot fired

We did not create it. We merely stumbled over it.

 

Posted in Political Satire | Leave a comment