Once again, we have received a letter from the government where they are trying to help us get some money.
That right there is enough to make us want to cry foul, as they traditionally seem to feel for their part that it is better to receive than to give. But let’s examine the rest of it just in case there’s precedent being set.
From: HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICE <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: U.S. Department Of Homeland Security,
Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2014 15:41:47 +0000
It has always puzzled us (and continues to do so) as to why, with all its resources (not to mention the ability to print money at will), the United States government can’t master the art of setting up email servers, choosing instead to rely on companies like LIVE.COM and in this case, the Japanese version of Yahoo. But who are we to say.
Official web site of the Department of Homeland Security
TSA Holiday Travel Updates
The Transportation Security Administration provides updates for travelers ahead of the holiday travel season.
Obviously these two gentlemen have not seen Firefly or the movie SERENITY or they would be running faster.
While it’s nice to think that the TSA is looking out for us, we are a little lost as to which holiday season they are preparing for.
Here’s what the next week has to offer:
|Saturday||Mar 22||Nevruz Day||Albania|
|Saturday||Mar 22||Persian New Year (day 3)||Azerbaijan|
|Saturday||Mar 22||Norooz Holiday||Iran|
|Saturday||Mar 22||Nauryz (Day 2)||Kazakhstan|
|Sunday||Mar 23||Persian New Year (day 4)||Azerbaijan|
|Sunday||Mar 23||Day of the sea||Bolivia|
|Sunday||Mar 23||Norooz Holiday||Iran|
|Sunday||Mar 23||Nauryz (Day 3)||Kazakhstan|
|Sunday||Mar 23||Pakistan Day||Pakistan|
|Monday||Mar 24||Memorial Day||Argentina|
|Monday||Mar 24||Persian New Year (day 5)||Azerbaijan|
|Monday||Mar 24||Saint Joseph’s Day||Colombia|
|Monday||Mar 24||Norooz Holiday||Iran|
|Monday||Mar 24||Nauryz (Day 2) observed||Kazakhstan|
|Monday||Mar 24||Nauryz (Day 3) observed||Kazakhstan|
|Tuesday||Mar 25||Persian New Year (extra holiday)||Azerbaijan|
|Tuesday||Mar 25||Greek Independence Day||Cyprus|
|Tuesday||Mar 25||25th of March||Greece|
|Tuesday||Mar 25||Anniversary of the Arengo||San Marino|
|Tuesday||Mar 25||Maryland Day||United States|
|Wednesday||Mar 26||Persian New Year (extra holiday 2)||Azerbaijan|
|Wednesday||Mar 26||Independence Day||Bangladesh|
|Wednesday||Mar 26||Prince Jonah Kuhio Kalanianaole Day||United States|
|Saturday||Mar 29||Youth Day||Taiwan|
Tuesday and Wednesday look like the big ones for the United States, so plan accordingly.
U.S. Department Of Homeland Security,
Mg Timothy J. Lowenberg, Adjutant General And Director State Military
Department Washington Military Dept., Bldg1 Camp Murry ,Wash
Tel/Fax: 1 202-343-4011
With regard to Timothy Lowenstein, we are familiar with Mr., Mrs., Miss and Ms.
What is Mg? Multi-gendered? One can only guess, but we digress.
Welcome to Homeland Security, With all due respect ,we want to inform you about your ATM CARD package which is under our custody here in USA, we stopped your ATM CARD package on the process DHL COURIER COMPANY delivery your package to your designation .but because DHL COURIER COMPANY is not with INTERNATIONAL STAMP DUTY PERMIT, we are here to serve you better once you get the INTERNATIONAL STAMP DUTY PERMIT
The style of writing used above is generally reserved for scripts and screenplays where the use of CAPITAL LETTERS allows prop people and such to quickly scan the script looking for items which may need procurement and to allow others to find character names quickly.
It did conjure a vision of a lonely little ATM card sitting in a dank and dreary cell singing to itself.
Once again we are mystified by the delivery method. While we are not familiar with foreign ATM’s, we can’t imagine that the cards would be much larger than the massive 2 x 3.5 inch pieces of plastic used in the United States.
We have never received one except in a number 10 business envelope, which does not require a courier company to transport it in a truck or a plane.
be informed that we are about to give account to the Federal Government in respect of discovered lost Fund as Anti-Terrorist Fund or drug Fund in 4 days and i want you to bear in mind that if you fail to get the INTERNATIONAL STAMP DUTY PERMIT in 3 days,your ATM CARD package will be terminate as one of the lost Fund, based on that, you have only 3 days to get the certificates
Are they giving the account to the government or are they giving an account to the government? See, even little words like the and an can change the meaning of the whole thing.
Lost? How did they lose it? We are beginning to understand why the lines at the airport have gotten so long.
Finally, we want to be be rest assure that once you get the INTERNATIONAL STAMP DUTY PERMIT, we will accompany DHL COURIER COMPANY with your ATM CARD package to your doorstep, if you will? view the attach to see my official I.D Card
Will there be a motorcade? How many of them are coming with the DHL truck? Won’t that look suspicious? Just put the damned thing in an envelope and give to the Post Office. I’m sure they’d be willing to take it.
Awaiting for your response
Secretary Of The Department Of Homeland Security
Department of Homeland Security Chief FOIA Officer
Looks like Mg Timothy didn’t make it to the end of the letter. Either that or Janet is moonlighting as his secretary.