Another Deadline, but there’s no real rush.

When last we heard from Director Mueller he was trying to get us to send $58 to Africa in order to get an ATM card shipped to us. He had just returned to the office after taking a few days off due to stress.

Now, it seems, we are the focus of his attention again.
We wonder why this time.

From: Federal bureau of investigation
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Date Sent: 6/27/2013 8:13:08 PM

As usual, Bob’s forgotten our name again.

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C.
Federal bureau of investigation
J. Edgar Hoover building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Ref: FBI/DC/09/13.

It’s the little touches, such as “Ref:FBI/DC/09/13”, that add so much credibility to these email. Don’t you agree?

Attention: Fund Beneficiary,
This is an official advice from the FBI foreign remittance/telegraphic dept. it has come to our notice that bank of Nigeria has released US$10,500,000.00 U.S dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by Inheritance means. The bank of Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to affect this payment from the United Kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (S.T.D.P) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.

When we pay our bills, we always use secret diplomatic transit payments, they are so much more convenient than having to mail a check. It also helps the economy by keeping small herds of secret diplomats off the unemployment rolls. Of course the ones we use are (S.D.T.P)s.

They are still waiting for confirmation from you on the already transferred funds, which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account. Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account? This is a pure coded means of payment which we have had in the past has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.

It seems that the FBI has nothing better to do than stick their noses into everyone’s secret diplomatic business. It puzzles us as to why the bank hasn’t contacted us about this. Surely they must be aware that the funds are somewhere.

As an afterthought, if this is such a secret way of transferring money, why do so many people seem to know about it.

And another thing, if all secret diplomatic transfers are related to terrorism, shouldn’t it be a simple task to round up all the terrorists?

Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary scrutiny by the UK/USA authorities when funds come from outside of America, and the Middle East, the F.B.I crime commission has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of US$10.500.00 through a secured diplomatic transit, account (S.D.T.A). We govern and oversee funds Transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world. We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are terrorist/drug free else we shall have cause to cross and impound the payment, however, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents. 

Ah, so now the FBI has stopped the transfer and they have the money, not the secret diplomat as we were previously lead to believe.

See, this is how wars get started. The FBI has no authority to be sticking its nose into the Nigeria banking community. That’s the province of either the CIA or the NSA. Interpol might have some sway with the world bank, but the FBI seems to have gone around them and butted in directly.

We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involved, we want to make sure that the legitimacy of the fund you are about to receive is not in doubt whatsoever. Note!! The fund is in the Bank of America right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and verifications from you before releasing the funds, to this regards, you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is clean and legitimate by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) to certify that the fund is not for terrorism/money laundering. You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, let us know so that we can direct you where to get it.

Wait a minute.

Now the money’s in the Bank of America? Didn’t the FBI just say they had it? Why haven’t we heard from Bank of America? We are getting very confused.

 These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you dont have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by the bank that initialized the transfer Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment,Naturalization or military service.

What? The bank that is sending us the money is using a method reserved for terrorism but if we get a certificate from them saying that its not terrorism everything will be alright. Is that what the FBI is trying to say here?

Not to mention that the previous paragraph is very difficult to read as it is a single sentence, more or less.

These conditions is Valid until 31
st  of  September 2013 after we shall take actions on canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria.

Well, we have until the 31st of September so clearly there’s no rush here.

We are somewhat at a loss as to how we could be charged with moving money out of Nigeria since the money seems not to have left Nigeria and since we knew nothing of its existence until just now.

Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document.

Well it’s nice to know that the FBI has a warranty program in addition to its warrants.

Final instruction:
60fCredit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee
61eBeneficiary has full power when validation is cleared
62 Beneficiaries bank in USA/outside can only release funds-
62 Upon confirmation from the world bank/united nations.
64 Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request

We must ponder what condition 63 must have been.

NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimacy of the fund you are about to receive.

Next they’ll send the mattress tag police after us. The ones responsible for enforcing “This tag must not be removed under penalty of law”, despite the fact that they are usually placed somewhere where they must be removed if only for esthetic reasons.

The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S and outside. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons, individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country (i.e., Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history background, etc.).

The previous paragraph must be important, it’s red.

FBI Director
obert S. Mueller III.

Sorry Bob. This is a fraud.

Please do not wait patiently for us to respond. Get on with your life. You’re retiring soon. You need to be making plans.

That is all.

This entry was posted in Email fraud, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Another Deadline, but there’s no real rush.

  1. Venom says:

    September 31st? Seriously? 😀
    It takes skill to write such “complicated” letters. It’s sad that someone has to waste time doing just that.

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