We recently received an important missive, allegedly from our old friend Bob Mueller at the FBI, who was kind enough to take a break from the NSA phone snooping kerfuffle to inform us that yet another fortune was heading our way.
[Dear NSA reader, this is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously. We sincerely wish you the best of luck in reacquiring Edward Snowden. Please, feel free to click about the site, it helps out page view count.]
One must hedge one’s bets on occasion.
Subject: Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.WASHINGTON DC
From: Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.
To: undisclosed recipients:
Date Sent: 6/5/2013 12:07:02 PM
We believe we are meant to believe that this email’s point of origin may have something to do with the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) in Washington DC, USA, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe, etc.
We could be wrong, but that’s the way we’re leaning at this time.
Of course, one might also believe that the FBI might have been able to investigate our name as undisclosed recipients is both impersonal and plural.
Are we to assume that we have been given a deadline? Let’s press on.
Robert S. Mueller, III
Senior Office Department Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.WASHINGTON DC
The statement above may be the closest this email’s closest approach to the truth. There is a Federal Bureau of Investigation. It is in Washington, DC and Robert S. Mueller is the director.
As they say in French, “La plume de ma tante est sur le bureau de mon oncle”.
Which, like the quote from the email above, has nothing to do with anything at this present time.
Know More About Me: http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/executives/director 29TH MAY 2013 LAST UPDATE.
Can you imagine how much better life would be if everyone who we ever dealt with set up a web page so that we might know them better.
Think how much more enjoyable it would be if, as you watched your car being repossessed by Rocco and his knuckle-dragger associates, you were able to visit Rocco’s webpage and learn that not only did he get into the repossession business after his parole but that he also collected PEZ dispensers and crocheted doilies in his spare time when he wasn’t grooming his Siamese cats.
Why, it would eliminate the need for Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest ….
Oh, never mind.
I am sorry for the late reply i was not feeling good all this while due to office stress but everything is ok now due to i followed my doctor advice and stayed out of office for two days.
As we never asked Bob a question, we are not as concerned as to the lateness of his response as he seems to be.
Hopefully he got the advice late on Friday so that he didn’t need to use his sick time.
Perhaps this “office stress” is a contributing factor to his decision to step down later this year which will undoubtedly set off a cut and paste frenzy on the African continent unprecedented in human history.
If Ban Ki Moon resigned from the U.N at the same time the world’s spam output would drop to near zero for months.
I resumed office some hours back and i received update from Mr. Andrew Hill he told me There will be an International Flight today by 9pm and Mr. Andrew Hill will act as your diplomat and deliver the package to you which will take only 18 hours to get the package delivered.
It’s nice to know that with all his problems, Bob thought of us before the NSA.
Note: The package you will receive contain a Visa Credit Card which contain $20 Million usd ,Master Credit Card which contain $200,000 and a verified cashier check worth $3 Million usd with the required security document which was made in your name as the sole owner and it also include the security pin you will use to transact with both credit cards.
We have always at the ease with which these cretins are able to get their hands on our credit cards.
We have had to pretty much sign in blood at a local branch of our bank when we have had to replace a card which had a scratched magnetic stripe, which we had in our possession and were able to show to the bank personnel who still demanded dental records and yet somehow these people are able to have our cards shipped directly to them in Nigeria.
It is a puzzlement indeed.
The sum of $58 is required to enable Mr.Okolo Nnamdi get a diplomatic package seal with tag or else the International Airport customs will not allow him to board the flight with the package and this diplomatic package seal with tag will be made in your name as the owner of the package.
We suggested that were Mr. Nnamdi to place the aforementioned cards into his wallet and perhaps use the check as a bookmark that the $58 and all the needless folderol would be unnecessary.
We even went so far as to suggest that were they to simply email us the customer service telephone number from the back of the card, that we would be happy to call Visa and MasterCard directly, explain that somehow our cards were accidently sent to a random African and request that they send us replacements.
Not surprisingly, we did not hear back.
There is no much time left and the fee need to be paid today to enable him board tonight flight and it will take 18 hours to get the package delivered to you.
After reading Director Mueller’s webpage, we are surprised to see that he has so much difficulty with English. One might almost think that we are not in communication with Director Mueller but rather with a very clever impersonator.
We looked up the longest international flights, assuming that it might give us a clue as to where the cards were coming from, but none of them leave at 9 PM.
Send the $58 charge fee and get your package delivered within 18 hours and this will be the only fee and last fee required from you toward this transaction.
Until the next one.
USE THE DETAILS BELOW TO SEND THE $58 VIA WESTERN UNION.
RECEIVER NAME: Mr.OKOLO NNAMDI
ADDRESS: 12 EMBASSY STREET
TEXT QUESTION: Y
23401 is the zip code for Keller, Virginia. They don’t seem to use zip codes in Nigeria.
AWAIT YOUR REPLY AND THE REQUIRED PAYMENT CONFIRMATION DETAILS..
While you’re waiting you might find passing the time will be easier if you find a good book to read.
This might be a violation of church and state, not that we are trying to make a federal case out of it. Far be it from us to counsel the FBI as to the conduct of its day to day affairs.
Robert S. Mueller, III
Senior Office Department Tel +234 8138 601 630
Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.WASHINGTON DC
Since 234 is the country code for Nigeria, we wonder how did Bob string the wire into his office in Washington.
Know More About Me: http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/executives/director
Just in case we missed the opportunity to get to know Bob better.
Nothing screams authenticity like a rocketmail account.
Well, needless to say, but we shall say it nonetheless, this is a fraud.
Once again, not only has our mystery correspondent failed to convince us to send him $58 in return for a fortune, he has failed to convince us that there is intelligent life on the internet.
That is all.