HELP, I need somebody.

Our pen pals in Africa have taken up their cause with a renewed spirit as of late.

We suspect that they are seeing the success that a man of Kenyan extract is having parting people from their money and must be under the assumption that there is more to go around.

We are receiving over five hundred requests a month recently.

When we started this silliness, it took eighteen months to accumulate fifteen hundred such emails. We have received nearly that number in the past three months.

Today we have yet another desperate plea for help.

Subject: I Will Really Need Your Help
From: Mrs. Martha Hills
Date Sent: 10/16/2012 1:58:05 AM
From Mrs.Martha Hills
102 Tunde Square,
Akpanpa Cotonou,
Cotonou-Benin Republic

We believe this may have come from Martha Hills of the Department of Redundancy Department.

I know you might not remember me again as it has been a long time. 

Yes, it has.

We checked our records and found that we haven’t been in Africa since four reincarnations ago.

Were you the singer at the saloon in San Angelo, Texas in 1863? The one on the end of town near Fort Concho, not the other one. Her name was Martha too.

My name is Mrs.Martha Hills.

What a surprise!

In order to transfer out (Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)
from our Bank . 
I have the courage to look for a reliable and Honest Person who will
be capable for this important business Transaction, 
believing that you will never let
me down either now or in Future.

We are always amazed that some people feel that the only way they can recruit honest embezzlement partners is via the Internet. One wonders what level of criminal element calls Africa its natural environment.

What ever happened to hanging around seedy bars down by the waterfront or recruiting from across the tracks on the wrong side town?

The owner of this account is Mr. David Hagen foreigner and the Manager Of petrol
chemical service, a chemical engineer by Profession and he died since 2005.the
account has no other beneficiary And 
my Investigation proved to me as well that
his company does not know anything About this account.

Did he die in 2005 or was it later? It’s really not clear here, especially since he’s still the owner of record.

Is he a zombie?

Will he come after us?

We need to know these things before we can make an informed decision.

Ah, so since we’re about to steal money from a bank that accepted a deposit of pre-stolen money, or perhaps more correctly, pre-embezzled, it’s alright to embezzle it then, isn’t it? Or would we be post-embezzling it?

It’s like buying a pre-owned car instead of a used one. Euphuisms are wonderful aren’t then?

Would Dillinger have been treated better if he had only been making “undocumented” withdrawals?

Bonnie and Clyde?

Baby Face Nelson?

Sadly they were just born before their time.

I want to transfer this money into a safe foreign account abroad with your HELP.
I want you to be rest assured that this transaction is real and Genuine business.

Our copy of HELP is on VHS. We are not certain how it will be of assistance, but rest assured, it is willing and able and ready to go.

We are curious as to how she knew we had a copy.

I believe in Allah (GOD) that you will never let me down in this transaction,
at the conclusion of this business,you will be giving 30% of the total amount, 
70% will be for me. 

Mrs. Hills mentions Allah and seems to think that we are so ignorant that Allah needed a parenthetical explanation, but that’s alright. It’s refreshing to know that the African embezzlement industry is not the sole property of born-again Christians.

And as we have said previously, we live a quiet life in service to our Ford as members of the Church of Latter Day Edsel Hubcap Salesmen.

So we think fifty-fifty sounds better. Otherwise there’s no prophet in it.

I look forward to your earliest reply by email for more details:
(martha_hills001@admin.in.th)

We think we have all the details we need, but thanks for the offer.

Best regards
Mrs.Martha Hills

Again, dear readers, we must caution you against falling for such a clever ploy as this from Mrs. Martha Hills.

No good will come of it should you reply as this is a Fraud.

That is all.

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3 Responses to HELP, I need somebody.

  1. Adam S says:

    I wonder if Mrs. Martha Hills has found an honest and reliable person yet? They are so crafty — so are you — great post idea! I’m diggin’ the “department of redundancy department” — was that Monty Python?

  2. Ellis Tyd says:

    My first recollection of “Dept. of Redundancy Dept” goes back (sadly) to the late 60s from a teacher in high school. It would have been around the advent of Monty Python, but I can’t say for sure. Like they say, if you remember the 60s you weren’t there.

    • Adam S says:

      By that logic, I guess I remember the 60’s — haha! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go look up Monty Python’s “Cheese Shop” before it slips my mind…

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