We read this earlier and now our brain hurts.

On occasion we receive emails attempting to convince us to part with our hard-earned funds which do strain our ability to believe.

The following is one such missive.

The Original File, which is viewable at the link to the left, is a visual delight from the early chaos period. If they paid a graphic designer to lay that out for them, they have our deepest sympathies, or would have were we so inclined.

A technical brief which may be skipped:
The original file came in at a whopping 123 K bytes. All but 7.6 K bytes was meaningless CSS code, which did nothing but list every possible attribute with no useful parameters.

What follows is the basic message. Again, please go here to see it in all its original glory.

WELCOME TO WESTERN UNION MONEYTRANSFER  

Send Money Worldwide
FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA/ADDRESS 455 ALAGBO,USMAN
ROAD OPPOSITE GOVERNMENT HOUSE WISE ABUJA.
Telephone ——Western Union email: westuniontbt20@gmail.com .

The preceding paragraph had six color combinations and half a dozen fonts as well. It seems that if less is more, then more must be even more. We would not like to see the color scheme in their hovel.

Attn; Beneficiary, 
This is to notify  you about the latest development concerning all the payment that are left in our custody,which yours are inclusive Besides, your where given a bill of $255.00USD in order to receive your payment of which we didn’t hear from you for sometime now…

Well, that was clear enough, wasn’t it?

Hence, our Western Union  is now offering a Special BONUS to help all our customers that are having their payment  in our custody due to prices. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $75. 00 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.

Hence generally implies that the newer statement logically follows the previous one.

For example: We didn’t know you were coming, hence we did not bake a cake.

In order words, they shouldn’t have used hence.

Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and have to comply and your funds shall be transfer to your designated address.

Besides is more or less similar to on the other hand. Hence its use is misguided as well.

But remember that after (3 DAYS) if you did not make the payment then we will divert your funds to Government Fund, to avoid problem or we will cancel the payment for this  year until next year. Again after (THREE DAYS ) We will enter A new project for the year and that is the  reason why we decided to help you before we enter into the new project.

We seem to have to pay then within the next three days or they will divert our funds to the Government or cancel them. Either one. Take your pick.

So be  advise to send the $75. 00 access fee immediately, so that we will register your payment and you will start receiving $5000.00 as from tomorrow.

So, if we send the money you’ll send money back. Why didn’t you just say that without all the blathering?

Be advise that there is no time again for we to call you on phone unless you will call or contact us through this e-mail:( westuniontbt20@gmail.com)

What?

After the payment of  access fee$75. 00 you will start receiving your money every  day  $5000.00 through Western Union until the full payment of $800,000.000.00 is complete paid  to you.

We were willing to consider your offer up to this point, but we are afraid we must pass.

At the rate of $5000 per day, it will take 160,000 days to collect the money. That seems a bit excessive and let us tell you why.

Today, as we write this, is October 13, 2012. It will take 438 years, 130 days to collect the money.

If we are able to collect on Sundays and holidays, we will reecive the last of our money on Sunday, November 6, 2450.

Let’s try to put that in perspective.

One hundred sixty thousand days ago was Friday, September 10, 1574.

That was three days before the Turkish fleet recaptured Tunis.

It was over a year before Johann Casimir von Pfalz-Simmern promised military aid to the Huguenots.

It was less than one hundred years since Columbus sailed and two hundred thirty-eight years before Columbus, Ohio.

In other words, that was a long time ago.

We will be collecting money for over two hundred years after the birth of James Tiberiuis Kirk on March 22nd, 2233.

Babylon 5 will have been operational for nearly two hundred years at that time, having been placed in service in 2256.

The Nostromo will have been missing for over three hundred years, having been declared missing in 2123.

George Jetson will have been dead for over three hundred years.

It’s roughly the half-life of the Americium isotope Am-241.

It is sixty-one years before the birth of Master Chief Petty Officer John-117

We just don’t think we have that kind of time.

Another problem with this.

It is five miles to the Western Union Office. That’s a ten-mile round trip.

At thirty miles an hour, that’s twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes times one hundred sixty thousand is three million two hundred thousand minutes.

Which is fifty-three thousand three hundred and thirty-three hours.

Which in turn is two thousand two hundred twenty-two days, or a little over six years.

Hence, that’s a long time to spend in a car.

To make the problem worse, if you assume that the money is in an interest bearing account, it might take centuries longer.

At .5 % accrued once a year, $800,000,000 will yield $4,000,000 in interest. $5,000 a day for a year is only $1,825,000. That means that we will be receiving our money at less than half the rate at which the balance increases.

In order words, we have been sentenced to drive back and forth to Western Union for eternity for paying the meager sum of $75.

Thanks.

Throw in some accordion polka music and Hell would be complete.

But we digress.

Send the $75 access fee through Western Union Money Transfer with the information  below,

RECEIVER:……….Mr Azichili Ibe 
COUNTRY……….. Nigeria
State ……………….. Lagos
Text Question…… Good
Answer…………… News
Amount……………$75. 00.

We would like to think that $5,000 a day was good news, but eternity is a very long time to spend in a car. Even if the infinite driving time is only part of the entire process.

The moment we receive the payment of $75. 00 we will release the first payment information of $5000 to you which you will pick up at your country at any western union post. Immediately you confirmed to us that you have picked it up we will proceed in sending another one, in this process you will be picking up your fund till it receive it completely.

Please, take your time, there’s no rush. The interest will pile up at almost $11,000 a day, so the $75 is only a little over an hour.

Thank God Bless you.
Mrs Mary John.

WESTERN UNION HEAD OFFICE DEPARTMENT
REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.  FOREIGN CONTRACTOR PAYMENT OFFICE

If you visit the original yet again, you will see that this came from Mery John.

They even got their own fake name wrong!

Well, if you haven’t guessed by now, this is a Fraud.

Please, please, please – do not be fooled by this should you receive it as well.

Despite the overall cleverness, it really is a Fraud.

That is all.