Sometimes it’s like listening to Lassie bark.

We have been lax again in our ritualistic bashing of our many pen pals, we shall endeavour to do it more frequently.

We receive ten or so invitations to financial ruin a day and sometimes after reading them, we are overcome with a great desire to pound on the keyboard with a nine-iron which would give us an excuse to walk away and never return.

The general intent of all of these missives is to convince us to part with our money in order to receive even more money.

The writers all have the same intent and given that there seems to be a fair amount of plagiarism inherent in the system, the emails tend to be variations on a theme.

Occasionally, one or the other of our correspondents goes off script.

We do not know if it is their intention to introduce a personal touch or if they simply lack even the minimal skills needed to  fill out form letters, but occasionally they drift so far afield that it becomes noteworthy.

On the old television show ‘Lassie’, the hero dog would run to his master and bark. Eventually, in a strange ritualistic exchange, Timmy, Lassie’s owner would deduce the problem and the problem would be solved.

It often went something like this:

Lassie: Bark. Bark. Bark.

Timmy: What’s the matter, Lassie?

L: Bark, Bark, Bark.

T: Is is old Doc Johnson?

L: Bark, bark,

T: What about old Doc Johnson?

L: Bark, bark, whimper, bark.

T: There’s something wrong with old Doc Johnson’s portable nuclear particle generator?

L: Bark.

T: Oh, not old Doc Johnson’s portable nuclear particle generator, it’s old Doc Johnson’s portable nuclear particle accelerator.

L: Bark, bark, bark.

They would go back and forth until Timmy realized that old Doc Johnson had accidentally locked Old Widda’ Smith’s  kitten in the particle accelerator and was initiating the countdown and it was up to Timmy and Lassie to save the kitten because old Doc Johnson would never forgive himself if he opened the accelerator after the test and found fricasseed kitten parts and Old Widda Smith made the best apple pies and would probably be in mourning for the Fourth of July picnic and what would that be like without Mrs. Smith’s Pies.

Note: We picked the name Old Widda Smith at random and because we thought it sounded homey. Our deranged subconscious led us off to the pie connection. We apologize and would like to make clear that we have no financial stake in the Mrs. Smith’s Pies company nor should our inadvertent mention of their products in any way constitute an endorsement of their tasty products.

Reading these emails gets to be like that at times. We hear them, but do not know exactly what they are trying to tell us.

“Your email address was randomly selected with the aid of a computer billeting system from all web users list of email address world wild.”

Billeting is a term used to describe the accommodation of soldiers in civilian lodgings or public houses. So we surmise that they have a system to find accommodations for computers while singing Cat Stevens’ songs which randomly spits out email addresses or not. We do not know.

“I have been diagonalized with Breast and Blood disease which has defiled all forms of  medical treatment.”

We have heard of patients being marginalized but even marginalization does not warrant defiling medicine. We expect that a speedy recovery is not in your future.

“The 2011 edition of credit reward is an amplified edition where by 100 beneficaries emerged from the continents because even citizens of the non member countries of the commonwealth.”

We had exactly the same thought ourselves, shortly before we blacked out.

“My Dad lived a consultant, and so informed his decision to have me into the same line as his.”

Like father, like son.

“The Audit reports given to us shows that you have been going through hard
times by paying a lot of money to Criminals and Internet Fraudsters to the
release of your funds, which has been delayed by this dubious officials,
thereby rubbing you of your hard earn money and made you a Scam victim.”

That simply rubs us the wrong way.

“And also the FedEx Courier Service Company hereby inform all their customers through this media by eradicating all their communication with the scam mails that are going all-over the world be careful with their e-mails so that your parcel will not be in danger with their evil planes.”

Would those be Messerschmitts, Fokkers or MIGs, we wonder.

“He was a very dedicated Christian who loved to give out aids to the poor, hungry and needy.”

As if the poor, the hungry and the needy didn’t have health problems of their own.

“Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.”

 We know that one well. The book of Willy, Chap. 3 verses 27 & 28: “Thou shalt not get children outside a matrimonial home. It is better thou shalt snatch them from the playground.”

“I, as the CEO of this multinational company hereby relate with you because of the communication problem faced by most of our Board Members, since many of them cannot read, speak or write English language except Chinnese which is our official language.”

People in glass houses…

“This mail serves as a listening ear to the victims of scam all over the world.”

We mourn the death of privacy. Eavesdropping email, what will they think of next?

“So every necessary arrangement has been made successfully with the Agent deparker of the Consignment Box and every Documents guiding your delivery is well updated so you are advice to reconfirm your full delivery information to the Agent right now as he is currently at Orlando International Airport Florida with your Consignment Box, as he called me this morning to inform me that he misplaced your delivery address which he has due to CUSTOMS /FBI/ CIA and POLICE searching and scanning on the Box as if he is a terrorist there in your country but finally I thank God that they have confirmed that his movement is clear and genue with out any suspicious intentions to your country only to deliver this Consignment Box to you and the documents are updated as I earlier told you.”

We liked this one for its length as it is only one sentence and for its pretense. The courier lost our address after being searched after flying into an airport which is only a 24 hour drive from our house with two drivers, a porta-potty and a case or two of Red Bull.

We could go on.

We could go mad. Perhaps we already have.

These gems were culled from only a month’s worth of salacious solicitations. We’ve captured some 1400 of them so far.

This project has become far less fun than it was imagined to be at the outset, however we shall press on.

In the meantime, do not fall victim to these silver tongued devils.

Remember they are frauds.

That is all.

Bark.

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