So close, but yet so far away….

We have been remiss, as of late, in our task of belittling fledgling scam artists. It is primarily because our attention had been focused elsewhere.

We have in our possession a Motorola Droid 2 Global which recently retired from service. We have been trying to activate it to use as a telephone.

We have been using it for the past two months as a camera, a camcorder, an MP3 player, PDA, etc.

On those occasions when we have access to a WiFi network, we have used it as a browser, video player, and so on.

Our thinking was that, since it was such a serviceable device as is and had a cell phone built into it, it might be nice to activate the portion of the device which allows telephone calls to be placed.

Sadly, Verizon is unwilling to do that without requiring us to cough up an additional $30 a month in order to have access to their wireless data network, a feature we have no driving desire to use. The ability to access their network can and has been turned off in the phone’s settings.

At any rate, this has been occupying our attention and as a result our poor scammers have gone neglected.

But no more.

In the future, we shall attempt to return to antagonizing these miscreants with a bit more regularity and have moved the sad saga of attempting to make a phone call over to

So, without further ado, we shall present an analysis of a less than noble effort to part us from our money by blatant deception conducted by honest thieves as opposed to the more subtle practices of certain unnamed large communications corporations.

From: robert mueller
Date Sent: 2/11/2012 2:02:00 PM

We are at a loss as to what possible motive the FBI might have to want to wiretap the Internet. It’s also hard to imagine what they might hope to find that they couldn’t get from a good search engine, but who are we to question the FBI?

The two links above were links. Our pen pal took the time to find a nice picture of the FBI logo. That would be the first link. They also were able to scour up a picture of FBI Director Robert Mueller. That would be the second link. Sadly they didn’t quite get it right. We can only assume that they meant to have them display in the email rather than appear as external links. The email would certainly be more impressive looking had it started with these:

Yes, it could have been much more impressive, but it wasn’t.


Just in case we were unclear as to the origin of the email or the FBI’s intent to wiretap the Internet, our correspondent was kind enough to remind us.

Attention Beneficiary


Really? The FBI is seeking to wiretap the Internet? Who knew?

The federal bureau of investigation (FBI)through our
intelligence-monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously was legal.

Sounds to us as if the FBI may have already wiretapped the Internet.

Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via Butter field Online Bank.

There is a Butterfield Bank. It is very large. Spellcheckers do not like it.

On a side note:

Dear scammers,

If you are going to write your emails in HTML, please invest in a book. It is very difficult, sometimes, to make your ramblings presentable.

Thank you,

The cat.

So, we, the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington Dc, in
conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have
investigated through our monitoring network noting that your
transaction with Butter field Online Bank in regard to your legal
Overdue Contract Payment Of $10,000,000,000USD. 

It is a common convention to capitalize the first letter of words used in the name of a corporation or governmental agency thusly: The Federal Bureau of Investigation. One would think the director of such an organization would be familiar with the correct presentation of his organization’s name.

We would like to thank the FBI and the UN for legitimizing the validity of our $10,000,000 payment for a contract we know nothing about. Sadly, we suspect that they will find a way to muddle the deal any second now.

You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund
(US$10.000,000.00)(Ten  Million United State Dollars) because of There
are so much Transaction going on with the Butter field Online Bank.We
the federal bureau of investigation  have Handed Over Your Fund
Consignment Packages to the FedEx Courier Service for Safest and Fast
Delivery of your Packages,we have Contact the FedEx Delivery Registrar
Office of Mr Jeffrey Loony on the Evidence Of your Delivery Packages
From FedEx Online Delivery Service.

And we are correct. The FBI is one of the largest investigative services on the planet. The United Nations is the closest thing there is to a planetary government. Should you choose to peruse the Wikipedia article regarding the Butterfield Bank, you will note that they, too, are quite large.

We are, therefore, quite understandably confused as to why a consortium formed of the FBI, the UN and Butterfield bank would come to the conclusion that the best possible method available to get our $10,000,000 to us would be to give it to a FedEx employee named Jeffrey Loony.

Seriously? Jeffrey Loony?

Ah, but wait, there’s more.

We decided to contact the FedEx Courier Service Company in American
for them to give us their procedures on how to sent this money to you
without any further complain or delay. 

From what we’d gathered from the earlier part of the message, just plain butting out would have been the most expeditious path.

We just got an information from the Butter field Online Bank and they have loaded your
(US$10,000,000.00) in ATM CARD and submit to the FedEx courier service
company for immediate delivery to your doorstep.

We will admit a fair amount of ignorance as to the state of banking affairs in the third world. Here in the United States, an ATM card is merely a device which allows funds to be withdrawn from a bank account. There are prepaid debit cards available, which perform much the same function, but they are generally referred to as prepaid debit cards. ATM is an acronym for Automated Teller Machine and, carrying through, tellers imply banks and banks imply accounts.

Why on earth would these three organizations come to the conclusion that ‘loading’ $10,000,000 onto an ATM card was in any way, shape or form a viable solution to a problem that they, with their meddling, seem to have created?


You are required to choose one option, which you will be able to pay
and also convenient for you, for quick delivery of your parcel
containing your ATM CARD and other two original back up documents.

Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees
Premium Express (24hrs Delivery)
Mailing $250.00 00.00
Insurance $150.00 00.00
Vat $100.00 00.00
TOTAL $500.00
$500(Five Hundred US Dollars Only).
Special Express (2 Days)
Mailing $180.00 00.00
Insurance $50.00 00.00
Vat $150.00 00.00
TOTAL $380.00 00.00
$380(Three Hundred and Eighty US Dollars Only).
Economy Express (3Days)
Mailing $100.00 00.00
Insurance$?130.00 00.00
Vat (5%) $120.00 00.00
TOTAL $350.00 00.00
$350(Three Hundred And Fifty US Dollars Only).

We have received ATM cards from our bank on many occasions. Some were the initial issue. Some were replacements for lost cards and some were just replacements with newer expiration dates.

We have received credit cards from time to time as well, for the same reasons as outlined above for ATM cards.

In all cases, without exception, they have come in what are commonly known as #10 business envelopes. Given their sheer size and weight they have taken as many as one first class postage stamp to accompany them on their journey from their origin to their destination.

On one occasion, one such card failed to arrive. When we called to inquire as to its whereabouts, the issuing organization cheerfully sent another to replace it, again travelling safely in its #10 envelope festooned with its single first class stamp.

Last year we queried both FedEx and UPS as to the costs inherent in shipping a refrigerator from California to Massachusetts and found that it would cost around $125.

This leads us to wonder; are they sending us an ATM card or have they, in fact, loaded the $10,000,000 into an ATM machine, excuse the tautology, and it is their intent to ship that.

We could understand the pricing were that the case.

You are hereby required to advice us, on your parcel delivery option
by filling in the required form stated above. Please note that the
deadline for claiming your fund is exactly one week after the receipt
of this email. After this period, your fund will be return back to the
ordering costumer. 

After this paragraph, we find ourselves a bit confused. At the outset, we were led to believe that the item in question was a $10,000,000 payment owed us as payment on a contract which we know nothing about.

Now we find that if we don’t act quickly, the fund will be returned to the ordering customer.

Exactly what ordering customer are we discussing here? And furthermore, what did they order?

That is the instruction given to us .

Please. Stop. This needs some sort of clarification.

Are we to understand that, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the United Nations and Butterfield Bank are all together in this and taking instructions from a higher authority?

Who? God?

So take note.
We request that you reconfirm your mailing address to ensure
conformity with our record for immediate dispatch of your parcel to
you. Only valid residential/Office address and postal address are
certified OK.

As we have not previously confirmed our address, reconfirming it is providing us with some difficulty. Please, be patient.

Where could we be that we would not have a residential, office of postal address to use as a postal address?

Oh, wait. The FBI seems to be obsessed with the internet. Perhaps they’re afraid that we will request that they mail it to our IP (Internet Protocol) address .

That would be silly. We use DHCP.

Receiver’s Name :………………………………….
Delivery Information/ Parcel Description
Delivery Terms: ………….. …….International Delivery
Condition Of Delivery…………..Priority Delivery
Consignment Note No: ……….. MI 49866-2110
Color of Parcel: ………………… Brown.
Total Weight: ……………………..36.2 kg
Total Net Weight: ……………….1.7 kg

Thirty-six point two kilograms, or for those in the States, seventy-nine point six pounds; that’s quite a large ATM card. We are going to need a larger wallet.

Of course, the net weight is only three and three-quarters pounds, still a hefty card, but a bit more manageable. We can only imagine that the box has lead shielding to protect the magnetic stripe.

We are here to protect you from any problem till you receive your
package, you are to contact the FedEx delivery company assigned to
deliver this financial package to your doorstep.

After which time they will abandon us, post-haste.

Below is the Delivery Company Contact Information:
Company Name: FedEx Courier Service Delivery
Director Name: Mr.Jeffrey Loony
E-mail address: onlinefedexdelivery2012 at
London Office Hotline : Privacy

No one bothered to inform our writer that ‘at’ meant ‘@’.

Note: all modalities has already been worked out even before you were
contacted and also note that we will be monitoring all your dealings
with them as you proceed so you don’t have anything to worry about.

Once again, it sounds as if the Internet is already wiretapped. Is there no privacy anymore?

All we require from you henceforth is an update as to enable us be on
track with you and the FedEx courier service. Without wasting much
time, will want you to contact them immediately you get this message
with the above email address in other to enable them attend to your
case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running

The end is near. Even as we speak.

In case you need any more information in regards with this issue, get
back to us so that we can brief you more as we are here to guide you
during and after this project has been completely perfected and you
have received your ATM CARD as stated.

We sometimes wish that our own bank was so interested in coddling us.

The nerve of them sending us an ATM card without an instruction manual and unprotected in an #10 envelope.

For shame!

Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we
earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.
Best Regards,



The end of the message was supposed to be impressive as well. It should have looked like this

and not just have been two links.

So close.

At any rate, we are certain that Jeffrey Loony does not have a $10,000,000 ATM card for us.

We are sure that the FBI, the UN and Butterfield bank are not struggling to get the $10,000,000 ATM card to us.

We are sure that any money sent to Jeffrey Loony would be money better off burnt.

No, this has been a FRAUD.

Until next time….

That is all.

This entry was posted in Email fraud, Humor, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to So close, but yet so far away….

  1. Jean Yates says:

    Well, that was a great way to start the weak end. I am certainly ready now to be on the lookout for Mr. Jeffrey Loony and his diabolical band of pie rats, as Richard Scarry used to say.

    Thanks for a really funny post.


  2. asecondcup says:

    Don’t be so sure about the FBI. There is the point where I do give trust without question. This is the same federal agency that, in 1963 spent 36 months, and at least as many tax dollars probing the song, Louie Louie by, The Kingsmen for indecent content. Their findings after 3 yrs. lyric by, lyric, inconclusive. Now, come on, once they’re involved, you must continue the chase using their expertise, and support as a basis.

  3. Dave says:

    Forgot to mention……My Sisterinlaw has been waiting for an untold amount of millions of dollars on one of these schemes.

    Promises of, ‘it’s almost there’ have been coming for at least the last 3 yrs. I told her, it will always, and forever be, ‘almost, here.’

  4. Dave says:

    btw, This blog has been nominated, Versatile Blogger

  5. Robert Gould says:

    jonathan stienberg of citi bank told me that chris and colin weir deposited 1.5 million gbp after many emails and phone calls to the bank that was not ansewerd i got a email from jonathan sending me the info that the transfer was succesful but to complete i would have to send 475 usd via western union so i ook the down loaded papers to my bank today and had them check it out and in less than 3 seconds jonathans name came up as a scammer using the citu bank now i will have to change all my bank info and have blocks put on it a pain in the ass but if this helps anyone else it is worth it i usually go along until they ask for money and then tell them to suck wind

    • Robert Gould says:

      had the same ones they said they where from England and the put like 5 mill euros in a bank in the Ukraine for me what a crock that was a year ago just got another one from the same person lol had one send me info on a death with my family name in England but when i called the bank they would tell me yes there was a account with that name there but i needed to send 500 pounds to a barrister over there to get access to the account as it was a inheritance and there was no guarantee without going to England first hand that i could claim it lost 50 mill pounds ouch that would have been nice but i dont fall that easy lol i was born at night but not last night

  6. Larry Hill says:

    That’s almost as good as the U.S.Army SGT who needs help shipping me 10million dollars in Iraqi art relics that He Has ,but He can’t get 500 USD to ship them back to the States ,if you will open your electronic account number so i can receive the money via paypal to my e-mail address listed below- , Once I get shipping costs I’ll send artifacts to your address and we will split the money when you sell them …..Sincerly Sgt. D. Bender US ARMY —— lol I wonder how many people got their Bank accounts wiped clean by that scam?

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