Perdido na tradução. (If you don’t speak Portuguese you’re on your own here, work it out)

For reasons unknown, the cat decided to watch the entire Twilight saga in one sitting. As a result, he has decided to take sometime off to finish his screenplay.

He feels he could do no worse.

Therefore, for the time being, we shall, for the time being, no longer be we (not that his editorial contributions were all that great to begin with, on the other hand, after Jack and Jill, he could be the next Adam Sandler).

Anyway.

I decided to look for something other than the standard Nigerian type of email to have a go at. Luckily, this arrived at precisely the correct moment.

From: Jessica Graco
Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2011 1:33 AM
To: Ellis Tyd
Subject: FW: 5 direitos que temos nunca revelados  

MUITO INTERESSANTE!!!  

Cinco informações úteis não divulgadas! Principalmente a QUARTA

1. Quem quiser tirar uma cópia da certidão de nascimento, ou de casamento, não precisa mais ir até um cartório, pegar senha e esperar um tempão na fila. O cartório eletrônico, já está no ar! www.cartorio24horas.com.br   Nele você resolve essas (e outras) burocracias, 24 horas por dia, on-line. Cópias de certidões de óbitos, imóveis, e protestos também podem ser solicitados pela internet. Para pagar é preciso imprimir um boleto bancário. Depois, o documento chega por Sedex.

Passe para todo mundo, que este é um serviço da maior importância.

2. DIVULGUE. É IMPORTANTE: AUXÍLIO À LISTA Telefone 102… não! Agora é: 08002800102 Vejam só como não somos avisados das coisas que realmente são importantes…… NA CONSULTA AO 102, PAGAMOS R$ 1,20 PELO SERVIÇO. SÓ QUE A TELEFÔNICA NÃO AVISA QUE EXISTE UM SERVIÇO VERDADEIRAMENTE GRATUITO.

Não custa divulgar para mais gente ficar sabendo.   3. Importante: Documentos roubados – BO (boletim de occorrência) dá gratuidade – Lei 3.051/98 – VOCÊ SABIA???

Acho que grande parte da população não sabe, é que a Lei 3.051/98 que nos dá o direito de em caso de roubo ou furto (mediante a apresentação do Boletim de Ocorrência), gratuidade na emissão da 2ª via de tais documentos como: Habilitação (R$ 42,97); Identidade (R$ 32,65); Licenciamento Anual de Veículo (R$ 34,11)..

Para conseguir a gratuidade, basta levar uma cópia (não precisa ser autenticada) do Boletim de Ocorrência e o original ao Detran p/ Habilitação e Licenciamento e outra cópia à um posto do IFP..

4) ARTISTA FAMOSOS FICAM EM FORMA SOMENTE COM EXERCICIO E DIETA?

NÃO, os famosos globais tem uma receita secreta que deixa o corpo em forma sem esforço, porisso conseguem perder peso tão rapido. A coluna GF desta semana conta o segredo. Veja a receita que esta deixando os famosos em forma pro verão – http://www.colunaglobofamosos.com.br/ 5) MULTA DE TRANSITO : essa você não sabia

No caso de multa por infração leve ou média, se você não foi multado pelo mesmo motivo nos últimos 12 meses, não precisa pagar multa. É só ir ao DETRAN e pedir o formulário para converter a infração em advertência com base no Art. 267 do CTB. Levar Xerox da carteira de motorista e a notificação da multa.. Em 30 dias você recebe pelo correio a advertência por escrito. Perde os pontos, mas não paga nada. Código de Trânsito Brasileiro Art. 267 – Poderá ser imposta a penalidade de advertência por escrito à infração de natureza leve ou média, passível de ser punida com multa, não sendo reincidente o infrator, na mesma infração, nos últimos doze meses, quando a autoridade, considerando o prontuário do infrator, entender esta providência como mais educativa.

DIVULGUEM PARA O MAIOR NÚMERO DE PESSOAS POSSÍVEL. VAMOS ACABAR COM A INDÚSTRIA DA MULTA!!!!

Gostaria, se possível, que cada um não guardasse a informação só para si           Clique aqui para remover seu email desta lista.

Judging from the excessive use of “!” and ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, the sender seemed to be pretty worked up about the contents. On the other hand, I don’t speak a word of what Google translate assures me is Portuguese.

Therefore, presented below is Google’s version of the email above.

From: Jessica Graco
Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2011 1:33 AM
To: Ellis Tyd
Subject:

FW:5 rights that we have never revealed

It seems the author is a granter of rights.

VERY INTERESTING!  

It starts with an homage to Arte Johnson. I wasn’t aware he was popular in Portuguese speaking countries.

Five useful information not disclosed! Mainly FOURTH

I don’t know what this means, but I’m sure we (you, dear reader, and I; not the cat and I) will find out shortly. Hopefully FOURTH will be a stunner.

1. Who wants to take a copy of birth certificate or marriage, no longer need to go to an office, get password and wait a long time in the queue. The electronic registry is already in the air! www.cartorio24horas.com.br   There you solve these (and other) bureaucracies, 24 hours a day online. Copies of death certificates, real estate, and protests may also be ordered online. To pay you need to print a bank. After the document arrives by mail.

Switch to everyone that this is a service of the utmost importance.

Okay. This website, presented here through the magic of Google translation, is some sort of Brazilian document procurement service. It’s amazing that the technology to order copies of protests hasn’t become more widespread.

I’d like a Watts Riot, two 1968 Chicago Democratic Conventions and an Occupy Wall Street. Oh, and can they ship in time for Christmas?

Can I print the bank with a dot-matrix printer or should I use a laser.

Finally, everyone, consider yourself switched.

2. PROMOTE. IT IS IMPORTANT: MEASURE TO THE LIST Phone 102 … no! Now is: 08002800102 See how we are not told of the things that really matter …… CONSULTATION ON THE 102, PAY $ 1.20 FOR THE SERVICE. CALL ONLY IF THERE IS NOT A SERVICE AVISA TRULY FREE.

It costs more to communicate to people knowing.  

I don’t know what it is, but it’s relatively inexpensive at $1.20.

I shall only communicate with those who are not knowing from now on. That should save some money.

3. Important: Documents stolen – BO (bulletin occurrence specified) gives gratuity – Law 3.051/98 – DID YOU KNOW?

No, I didn’t.

I think most of the population does not know is that the Law 3.051/98 which gives us the right in case of theft or robbery (upon presentation of the police reports), free of charge in the issuance of the 2nd copy of such documents as: Proof (R $ 42.97); Identity (R $ 32.65); Annual Vehicle Licensing (R $ 34.11) ..

To get free education, just take a copy (not to be certified) of the police reports to the DMV and the original p / Installation and Licensing and a copy to put an IFP ..

What type of police report is needed and will schools like Harvard and Oxford accept it in lieu of tuition?

4) BECOME FAMOUS ARTIST IN ONLY WAY TO EXERCISE AND DIET?

FOURTH arrives, incomprehensibly, at last.

No, the famous global has a secret recipe that makes the body fit without effort, that is why to lose weight so fast. The GF column this week has the secret. See the recipe that is leaving a pro in the famous summer – http://www.colunaglobofamosos.com.br/

This website, again in more or less English via Google, seems to be for a very effective diet aid.

Amanda - Before and After

According to the website, this is Amanda before and after losing nine whole pounds.

I would estimate her current weight at somewhere around 10 pounds. She mustn’t be much bigger that a cat.

Perhaps she is the reason the cat has left.

5) Traffic Tickets: that you did not know

If you have traffic tickets that you do not know, might I suggest that you throttle back on the booze and drugs while driving. Just a thought.

In the case of a fine for breaking light or average, if you have not been fined for the same reason in the last 12 months, need not pay a fine. Just go and ask the DETRAN the form to convert the offense a warning based on Article 267 of the CTB. Take Xerox driver’s license and the notification of the fine .. In 30 days you receive by mail a written warning. Loses points, but pay nothing. Brazilian Traffic Code Article 267 – the penalty may be imposed of a written warning for violation of nature mild or medium, which can be punishable by fine, not the offender is a recidivist, the same offense in the last twelve months, when the authority considering the record the offender to understand this step as more educational.

It would seem that Brazilian traffic laws are somewhat flexible, provided that one is not a recidivist, i.e., one who practices recidivism.

DETRAN seems to be the motor vehicle registry for Brazil.

Spread to as many people as possible. LET’S END WITH INDUSTRY FINE!!

By posting this here, I would think I have helped spread it to a dozen or so. I am not certain how the end is to come about or if I would even recognize it if it did.

I would, if possible, that each one did not keep information to yourself           Click here to remove your email from this list.

Exactly my sentiments as well.

Well, that was certainly different. I doubt that they get a lot of business from the English speaking world, but whatever.

As it is Christmas Eve Eve Eve, I will be off for a few days.

Merry Christmas to all!

(And to those who may find that offensive, since you’re already having a snit, may you spontaneously combust so as to light the way for others and brighten their day.)

That is all.

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This entry was posted in Humor, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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