Of Mice and Men and Monkeys and Shakespeare and the Internet and why some people should not have access to email.

When we were young, our teachers would often state that an infinite number of monkeys pounding an infinite number of typewriters would eventually produce Shakespearian works.

Since the dawn of the internet and the advent of blogging the likelihood of the preceding statement being true seems to dwindle on a daily basis. This blog being part of the proof. We make no false assumptions as to the quality of our prose.

On that note, we have updated our archive of scam emails, conveniently located at www.hellonasled.com, to include over 600 examples of the finest emails ever collected into one location.

Still, for all their bulk, they lack something.

Certainly printing them out would provide enough material for a book the size of War and Peace, or a Tale of Two Cities, but as a body of work they lack the creative thought that went into “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”, and that’s not even Dickens’ entire first sentence.

Steinbeck’s statement, “A few miles south of Soledad, the Salinas River drops in close to the hillside bank and runs deep and green.”, opens the world of Of Mice and Men. Can’t you picture such a place?

The reason writers generally put so much thought into their opening sentences and paragraphs is because they must generate enough interest to make the reader want to continue.

These emails are designed to convince people to spend money to retrieve mysterious fortunes. One might reasonably expect that the quality of the language contained therein would be of the utmost quality.

One would be wrong.

Most of these emails make Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s “It was a dark and stormy night” appear absolutely brilliant.

We offer for your amusement or consternation, either one – we’re not picky, such gems of opening lines as follows:

“Your payment is ready to be paid to you as soon as you can confirm the below to me, i am not suppose to tell you about the readiness of your payment that is why I am using this email to contact you,”   
                                        by Mr. Steven Anderson
Admitting, right up front, that you are untrustworthy is not the best way to gain our trust.

“This is to notify you that your over due inheritance funds has been gazette to be released via the key telex transfer (KTT) -direct wire transfer to you or through any of our correspondent apex bank nominated by the senate committee for foreign over due fund transfer.” 
                                        by Anita Mobley
The use of gazette as a verb is chiefly British, we suspect the Senate does not frequently use it as such. The sentence has other malfunctions as well.

 “вPlease   use  the link below-toz enter the  securej section-ofy our-web  site  and see-the_details:лдhttp://goo.gl/IHNrl})оп#-302628041299”
                                        by  Guilherme Suzuki
The entirety of the email is contained in this sentence. We do not have a clue what Suzuki intends us to do next.

“This is to bring to your notice that, I have paid the re-activation fee and the delivery of your ATM.” 
                                        by Dr Johnson Williams
Thank you , but we did not order an ATM. We shall return it should it arrive.

“We are writing to know if it’s true that you are DEAD?”
                                        by Mrs. Farida Waziri.
Yes, sadly we did pass away again just last week. Our doctor has diagnosed it as a chronic, yet treatable, condition.

“INFORMATION REACHING US FROM OUR CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS NOW, STATES THAT YOU ONLY HAVE 48HOURS TO EFFECT PAYMENT FOR THE ACTIVATION OF YOUR MTCN TO ENABLE YOU CASH UP YOUR FIRST $6,000.00 FROM YOUR TOTAL (FUND) SINCE YOU ARE FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO MAKE THIS PAYMENT WE HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE TO GO AHEAD AND PAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE FOR THE ACTIVATION FEE SINCE YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO COME UP WITH THE REQUIRED SUM,TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE HERE.”
                                        by  Barrister:PETER STOMER 
ALL OUR FUND SHOULD BELONG TO YOU? We think not.

“Confirm immediately to this office if you actually signed the Deed of Transfer of Ownership of funds on behalf of one Mrs Sheila Garry From Taxes making her the sole heir to your funds($9.600,000.00) in our custody as she claimed you are dead? “
                                        by  MR JONATHAN OKOH
Bad things will come unto you Mr. Okah. Have you never been told “Don’t mess with Texas”? And yes, we are dead, but we’ll be better by Friday.

“I am Nikolay Sintsov, personal assistant to Mikhail Khodorkovsky, once rated as the richest man in Russia and owner of YUKOS OIL (Russian largest oil company),chairman CEO: Menatep SBP Bank (a well reputable financial institution with its branches all over the world). “
                                        by Nikolay Sintsov
It seems that, even among the 1%, good help is hard to find. Mr. Sinstov follows his opening with an invitation to help embezzle $40 million. As an aside, the spell checker in WordPress does not like embezzle. It suggests embezzled, embezzler and embezzlers, but does not care for embezzle at all.

“This is to inform you that your company or your personal e-mail address,attached to International Financial Statistics (IFS) Online Service database containing email series data for more than 200 countries and areas,these funds of Six million seven hundred Great British pounds (£6,700,000.00) ($10,600,370.42USD) in cash creditted to file REF NO:IMF241/UK 1492 and GRANT NO: 41566 this is from the total project money of GBP 57,500,000.00 POUNDS, shared among the Twenty five (25)international monetary grants in this category which was approved courtesy of the International Monetary Funds Department (IMF). “
                                       by  Mr. Andrew Cole
Appearances not withstanding, that is one sentence. It’s not a very good sentence, but what it lacks in quality, it compensates for with quantity.

“I know there is absolutely going to be a great doubt and distrust in your heart in respect of this email, coupled with the fact that, so many miscreants have taken possession of the Internet to facilitate their nefarious deeds, thereby making it extremely difficult for genuine and legitimate business class persons to get attention and recognition.”
                                       by  Brian Casey Esq
“Nefarious”,”miscreants” and “facilitate” all in one sentence. Someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas, didn’t they?

“This is to officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly 
completed an investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System 
that you legally won the sum of $12,000,000,00 USD. from a Lottery Company outside 
the United States of America. “
                                      by FBI Agent MATT MORRISON
This is probably why crime is up. The FBI is too busy checking everyone’s lottery tickets. It’s probably much safer than dealing with criminals and such. It’s comforting to know that big brother actually is watching us, isn’t it?

“Your email address has been selected as one of the lucky winners in the second batch of the on-going INTERNATIONAL ATM award promo proudly sponsored and organized by AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE (ATM), Nigeria Branch”
by Mrs. Jane Philips

In a previous article, we ran into a man from Africa with a time machine. Now we find out that they have at least one sentient Automated Teller Machine in Nigeria which can organize lotteries. We didn’t ever consider that Skynet would begin in Africa.

“How are you doing my friend, I know you would be surprised to read from someone relatively unknown to you I guess, but please kindly take your time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will probably go a long way to determine my future and continued existence.”
                                    by Sgt Norbert Van Heyst
Dear Sgt. Van Heyst, might we suggest that our decision is that you should not begin either The Stand by Stephen King or War and Peace by Tolstoy. We think small leaflets from Hari Krishnas at the airport should last you through the remainder of your existence.

And on and on they go. Pleading, begging, threatening, cajoling their way into your hearts and minds in an attempt to get money from you.

If you have time to kill and don’t have a ball-peen hammer handy with which to strike your forehead for amusement, take a look at the list and read a few.

Print some out. They make wonderful fire-starters. In small piles they can even steady a table with a short leg.

If you have a penchant for writing, they make a lovely study for how not to write. Should you find that they seem fine to you then please consider taking up another occupation, writing isn’t for you.

If you find an exclusive invitation to madness in your inbox, check our list to see if we haven’t gotten it co-exclusively.

But in any case, should anyone approach you offering to return (your missing thing here) from (some Western African country here) on behalf of (some official government agency here) and request that you only pay (some random fee for something here), don’t do it.

Remember, it’s most likely a Fraud.

Tha is all.

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