They will not tell a lie

In slightly less than a year’s time, the citizenry of the United States will gather once again to overthrow the government as they do quadrennially.

Between now and then there will be an ever-increasing assault upon the senses by those who feel that they are qualified to lead.

Many words will be spoken. Many pictures will be shown. Many slogans will be promoted. Many skeletons will be dragged from closets. Many motels will be staked out. Many innuendos will inferred. Many dollars will be spent. Many bribes will change hands. Many conventions shall be attended. Many rallies shall take place. Many people will rise up to explain why their opponent is unfit to lead.

Many will deflect questions as to their own qualifications by explaining why their opponent is unfit to lead.

Many questions about past political dealings, done in secret in the dark in back rooms will be answered with explanations regarding the reasons that their opponent is unfit to lead.

Many questions about checkered pasts will be answered with explanations regarding the reasons that their opponent is unfit to lead.

Sadly, when all is said and done, the good citizens will trudge off to their polling places and vote for the candidate who:

Is the candidate they think has the best chance of winning, as no one likes to back a loser.

Is the candidate that their union told them to vote for, because they need to express their individuality by showing solidarity with their group.

Is the candidate whose political party is the same as the party the family has always voted for, because “We have always been Republicrats, all the way back to Great Granpa Earl”.

Is the candidate the nice people who arranged the bus ride from the projects told them to vote for before the bus would take them to the nice restaurant for lunch. Two fingers held up, means vote for the second candidate or, sometimes, punch the second hole. Of course, Pat Buchanan did quite well in parts of Florida with this, by accident.

Is the candidate who once did a favor for their aunt’s next door neighbor’s best friend’s mother, because “Isn’t he just the nicest man”.

Is the candidate who was the last one left after all the others self-destructed on the way to the election. (These candidates tend to be extraordinarily dull people.)

Is the candidate who does not represent that party. “You know what those people are like.”

Is the candidate who was lucky enough to be listed first on the ballot. (Where we live the listing is alphabetical, a great portion of the population is unfamiliar with English and it is rare to find an incumbant whose name starts with a letter after “K”.)

Is the candidate who has promised to bring the new whatever to wherever despite the fact that no rational human being would build an alpine ski resort in Miami or a year round outdoor water park in Nome, etc.

Is the candidate endorsed by the local sports superstar, whose other ramblings have been such gems as “We wudda won if we’d scored more points” in response to a question regarding the reasons behind a loss.

Etc., etc., etc.

At any rate, how to decide. Well, we have no way to determine who’s telling the truth from who’s embellishing from who’s working on a sequel to “War and Peace”.

We have provided this handy device to help, but it isn’t always enough.

While we cannot supply a verifiable list of politicians who will tell the truth during the coming year, we are comfortable with sating empirically that the politicians on the following list will not tell a lie between now and next November.

The list:

Washington, George

Lincoln, Abraham

John, Robert and Edward Kennedy

John Adams

John Quincy Adams

Richard Milhouse Nixon (Surprisingly!)

Lyndon Baines Johnson

Harry S Truman

Ronald Reagan

and so on.

You get the idea. If you want to know for certain if a politician will not lie there is a way to check.

Find a biography of the person in question. Take for example Dwight David Eisenhower.

Go to wikipedia.com.
At the top of the page there is a search box.
Enter the person’s name in the box and execute the search.

You should see a page that looks like this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwight_D._Eisenhower

Scan around on the page for an entry under personal details that looks like this:

Died March 28, 1969(1969-03-28) (aged 78)
Washington, D.C., U.S.

See the tiny word on the left that starts with the letter “D”. That is your guarantee that this particular individual will not lie to you between now and the election.

Sadly, it is about the only guarantee to that effect that there is on the face of the earth.

In the meanwhile, just keep telling yourself that the wonderful politicians are really there to support you, that they are not there for the pensions, free mail, salary, exemption from insider trading laws, fame, high standard of living, exemptions from most of the laws that they pass to make your life miserable, lucrative book deals, lecture tours, high paying speaking engagements, and so on.

No, they really are there for you.

You’re important to them.

Without people like you, they might have to get a job and live like the rest of us.

That is all.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Humor, Political Satire, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to They will not tell a lie

  1. Oki doki, since I love your sarcasm (a lot) I have nominated you as one of my versatile bloggers. I think more people need to read about these sorts of shenanigans and hopefully by nominating you, others will be read your awesomeness!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s