Mail order romance. Return to sender.

So, the cat was wandering the Internet the other day and brought this to our attention.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45329512/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets/t/american-stranded-ukraine-online-dating-scam/

All right. What on earth could ever convince someone to head down that road? If someone is capable of enticing men halfway across the globe, based on email correspondence, then they must be possessed of amazing verbal skills – or so one might surmise.

Imagine our surprise when this arrived in the spam filter this morning.

Subject: I search man
From: Dina patrickocampo75@yahoo.com
To: US
Date Sent: 11/21/2011 3:27:48 AM

They did have our email address correct. We removed it because we already get too much email now. Leaving it intact would only open us up to attacks from more spambot and rabid fans. Dina, or rather patrickocampo75@yahoo.com as she is known to her friends, can have all the spambots to herself.

Good day my surprised stranger!

At least this one has not pretended to know us.

I ask you to give a few minutes and read carefully my message. 

As it turns out half of that statement was true It did not take a few minutes, but the mangled English did require a modicum of care.

I’m very excited and I dont know exactly where to begin my short letter. 

We would guess three sentences back.

My name is Dina, and I live in the north of the Russian Federation. 

Hello Dina, our name is Bob and we are the President of Mars.

I am 33 years old and I am very lonely. 

Judging from the picture enclosed later in the message, Dina is very well-preserved and must live among the blind.

I have higher education and work as a tour agent. 

We can see how a job as a tour agent would leave one in a position where one might not meet many people. That must be why Dina is so lonely. On the other hand, depending upon how far north Dina lives, there may not be anything to tour.

All relationships that I had ended very tragically. 

Just a tip, Dina, for future reference. Stating that you are a walking disaster area might be something better left for a second, or even third, date.

I am very serious woman, and I want to find a man for marriage. 

Again, this attribute might be better left unspoken at this point in the relationship. Serious women are not difficult to find, they are as a rule, difficult to endure, in our experience.

I tired of everything and I want to find true love and build a strong and happy family until my death.

So, Dina, what exactly are you looking for. “Tired of everything” almost sound suicidal. Following that up with “until my death” sounds a bit morbid, don’t you think? 

I already had a relationship in Internet and once I was in America. 

So, this isn’t the first time you’ve tried this?

I cant build relationships with men from Russia. 

We find it hard to believe that, at the ripe old age of thirty-three, you have burned you way through the entire male population of Russia. 

I guess I was very naive but still ave to believe in fairy tales with happy endings. 

From our point of view, Dina, most of the happy ending fairy tales would involve you being a princess of some sort. Are you related to Anastasia, perhaps?

I’m looking for a prince on a white horse that will make me happy princess. 

Sorry to disappoint, Dina, but the United States is probably not the best place to be searching fo a prince. Might we suggest that a country with a monarchy, such as England, might serve you better.

Now on the court 19 age and therefore we can use the Internet as a medium of dating. 

We have read and reread this sentence several times and are afraid we have no clue.

My friend who now live in America advise me to become acquainted in Internet. 

Of course you said earlier that you have tried the Internet previously and met with tragic results. What has changed?

She met her love on the Internet and went to live with her hasband. 

Regarding your friend, we have questions.

1. Did she meet someone on the Internet, have a torrid affair and then abandon the Internet acquaintance in order to return to her husband?

2. Did she meet a woman on the internet, have a torrid affair and then go to live with her lover’s husband.

The Urban Dictionary’s definition of hasband leads us to an additional question.

3. Did she meet someone on the Internet, have a torrid affair and the return to her husband in order to secure a divorce?

She says that men from other countries, more romantic and more decent than in Russia. 

Did she say to which countries she was referring? We can’t imagine that the United States would place high on such a list. 

She told me that International Wedding Agency onnects lonely hearts around the world. 

Did she now?

I paid the agency for familiarity with you and now Wedding agent sent me your letter. 

Sorry to disappoint, Dina, but the letter isn’t from us. We would remember such a thing had we written it.

I will be glad to know you better. 

We cannot think of a single reason why you should feel that way.

We can begin to communicate and look at the chemistry between us. 

We feel that any chemistry between us would fall into the same category as hydroxy-terminated polybutadiene and nitrous oxide, or Mentos and Coke.

If you interested then I’d be happy to start to communicate with you. 

Whilst we appreciate the offer, we feel obliged to pass.

Thus we to know each other more and I’ll tell you more about myself in my letters. 

We feel that we have learned all we need to know from your return email address.

I’ll wait for your letter and hope that you answer me. 

Do not hold you breath while you wait.

I just want to be happy and loved. 

Don’t we all.

I put my picture and so you can see how I look. 

As we stated earlier, you look remarkably well-preserved for thirty-three.

I hope you’re all well and wish you a great day. 
I hope to receive your letter soon. reply to this mail box. 

Why would we reply to patrickocampo75@yahoo.com? Eat hearty, my little spambots!

 

I hope to see your message soon and I’ll wait very excited.

Again, remember to breathe during the excitement.

A single woman from Russia named Dina.

We assume that this in case we had not worked that out by this point in time.
 

Well, now we understand how someone could be convinced to travel halfway around the world to meet a woman he didn’t know based only on email correspondence with a writer possessed of such persuasive abilities.

Not.

We must warn that should Dina approach you in this manner you must not respond. Do not be tempted by her siren song. Do not book the first flight to northern Russia. Remember that all her previous romances have ended tragically and yet, she seems to have emerged unscathed. Delete the email.

We repeat. Delete the email.

This is Fraud. 

Although we would have made a nice looking couple.

 

 

 

 

That is all.