Reports of our deaths

Greetings, as some would have us believe, from beyond the veil.

In an apparent attempt to lay their hands on several of our missing fortunes, a small band of individuals from parts unknown have conspired to have us, or someone similar to us, declared dead.

Our first assassin goes by the non-de-plume of Mrs Joy Williams. You may read the details of her attempt on our life by clicking here. Luckily for us, Mrs Farida Mzamber Waziri, chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, found Mrs. Williams’ claim to be suspicious and was kind enough to notify us that an attempt was being made on our payment of $15.5 million dollars.

It would appear that Mrs. Williams must be a person of some substance since her word of our demise seems to be enough to scuttle our payment. Somewhat alarming is the request for our name and telephone number and the admonition that should we fail to respond that Mrs. Williams’ claim of our passing will be taken to be true with no further checking on the part of the Nigerian government and that our $15.5 million dollars will be sent to the Bank of America account of a Mr. Floyd M. Shealy in Oklahoma.

The email from Mrs Farida Mzamber Waziri seems to indicate that they have all our information as the “bonafide beneficiary” and yet they have no other way to contact us except via an email sent to our old favorite “undisclosed recipients”. They provided a telephone number to call, but they seem to be unable to make out-going calls or are too cheap to foot the bill for even a quick “Hello. Are you dead?” Email is clearly superior as a secure method of communication.

Oh, well.

Around the same time as the message above a Mrs. Hajia Farida Waziri, also chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, notified us that a Mr. John Wheeler has also claimed that we are dead and would like our money, amount unspecified, sent to his Citibank account in New York as outlined in this document.

Once again email to undisclosed recipients is the most secure form of communications available and once again the word of Mr Wheeler is all that is needed to derail our funds.

We might suggest that Mrs. Waziri investigate her inability to keep track of her own name before she funnels our fortunes to complete strangers.

Shortly thereafter we were informed by a Mr. Brian T. Moynihan of the Bank of America that one Mrs. Margaget Thomason had designs on a different fortune of ours that we seemed to have misplaced, a fortune of some $10.5 million. The International Monetary Fund apparently told Bank of America to send the $10.5M to us “without any further delay”, but Mrs. Thomason overruled them by sending a letter claiming that we were dead and that they should send the money to her.

Rather than conduct any sort of investigation or do any following up with the IMF, Mr. Moynihan took the high road and decided to send us an email asking us if we were dead. Verifying the death certificate allegedly supplied by Mrs. Thomason would have only been a frivolous waste of manpower. All we need provide is the standard information in such cases: name, address, phone, age, occupation and copies of whatever documents we see fit to provide. We can see that this is superior to actually doing any due diligence on the part of Mr. Moynihan.

Next.

We then heard from Mr. Frank Harry, a man with two first names, who claimed that a Mr. Morrison Thompson, a man with two last names, had designs on another lost $5.6 million. The cat, at this point, began to berate us regarding our rather lax attitude toward money as we have misplaced over $30M at this point and as domestic caviar gives him hives, the money could be put to good use. Mr. Harry’s missive lives here.

Once again, the only means this fool has of contacting us is the email address saved in the records at the bank, where our name seems to be listed as undisclosed recipients. No phone, no address; just an email address. No wonder the economy is collapsing.

If we owed them a nickel you can rest assured they would know where we were and how to contact us and what time we ate dinner. As usual they would like us to send them our name, phone, age, marital status, address, occupation, all of our banking information, a partridge and a pear tree.

We think not.

Speaking of nickels, our next bad penny is Mr. Eric Nickell who has also declared us dead. At least that is what Mr. Thomas Ego had to say when he sent us this lovely message. Mr. Nickell, it seems, claims to be our brother. He also claims that last week we were killed in a car crash, so Mr. Nickell did what any grieving relative would have done and rushed off to the MoneyGram office in what appears to be Cotonou, Benin to get his hands on our ATM card which we had no knowledge of.

The cat was kind enough to point out the error in the previous sentence. He claims that a preposition is an incorrect thing to end a sentence with.

We are to contact a Dr. Favour Brown and prove that we are alive before “Monday next week”.

Right.

Which brings us nearly full circle as we hear once again from Mrs. Farida Waziri now Director of the EFCC in Nigeria.

She sends us this lovely note. She wants to know if we are dead because Mr. Gershon Shapiro of USA has told her that we are dead. We have seven days to respond to the email. If we don’t respond within seven days then that is all the proof required for Mr. Shapiro to be awarded our funds, the extent of which were never made clear.

Mrs. Waziri does go on to say that if we are dead then “May your soul rest in perfect peace”. She must have better email servicers that we do, as our attempts at contacting the dead via email have not worked out very well. As a result we still do not know which trunk Mother locked our sister Sally in. The cat again objects, but we point out that had it not been for his brother and his hat, Sally would not have been placed in the trunk in the first place.

As is custom, we are to forward our name, address, etc. This will insure the swift delivery of our money.

Nonsense.

If you hear from any of the people mentioned in the messages above, do not fall for their crafty schemes. Pay no attention to their cleverly worded warnings. They don’t have your money. You are not dead, despite what they may tell you.

They are merely Frauds in search of a victim. Let them look elsewhere.

That is all.

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This entry was posted in Email fraud, Humor, Sarcasm and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Reports of our deaths

  1. The sad part of all of this is that people really fall for these things and start sending whatever information is asked for in those emails. I don’t even respond to possible emails from my bank, I call them, they have my phone number. They also have my SS#, my address, my work information and my mother’s maiden name, there’s no way they communicate via email. There are a group of people completely uneducated about email and the internet. Cute take on this though, I like it.

    • Ellis Tyd says:

      Thanks. I’ve seen people respond to these and the virus scanner pop-ups and such and have never been able to understand why someone would believe these things are true. Surely you would remember misplacing a fortune. Who knows?

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