The quickest failure on record

The quickest failure on record.

Once again we receive an official communique from the government of the United States, or so someone would like us to believe.

Click here to see the original with its images intact.

Subject: FORM US DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.
From: Agent.Mike William
To: undisclosed recipients:
Date Sent: 2/24/2011 3:16:14 PM

Agent Mike Williams didn’t go off the rails until the second letter of his email, a path to failure that will be difficult to beat.

[ The two images that were here were very official looking. ]

US DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY  ( DHS )  Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Washington, DC 20528

ATT ,

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigated with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you are having an transaction Consignment Box filed with united state dollars which is on held at custody of New York City police department, During our Investigation, it came to our notice that the reason why you have not received your payment is because you have not obtain your Awarded Certificate which Mr  Michael Onuorah confirmed that it will cost you the sum of $105 to obtain the document on your behalf before the diplomat will accompany your consignment to your door step,
Since the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has been involved in this transaction, you are now to be rest assured that this transaction is legitimate and completely risk-free as it is our duty to Protect and Serve citizens of the United States Of America.

Well, that certainly makes things much clearer, doesn’t it? If it were stated in a slightly more coherent form, it might be even clearer. They did choose to use English words, though not necessarily English grammar.

This Michael Onuorah must be very highly placed in DHS to have so much authority. It does seem strange to us, with them having found a large box of our money, that they wouldn’t pick a more straight forward way to get in touch with us (we’re in the book) but we do not pretend to understand how the government works.

It sounds as if they may have a diplomat in custody as well. We thought that diplomatic immunity was a better perk than it seems to be.

All you have to do is immediately contact Mr Michael Onuorah via E-mail  for instructions obtain your AwardedCertificate and send it to New York City police Department to enable them release the Agent with your consignment box, Kindly look below to find appropriate contact information:

Again this seems a somewhat roundabout method to get our money released. Will Mr. Onuorah be providing an address for the NYPD or will any precinct do? It definitely sounds as if the have a diplomatic agent in custody.

Perhaps we should notify the UN. They always seem to take an interest in this sort of thing, or so we have been led to believe.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Name: Mr Michael Onuorah 
Email:( barrjimlucky@yahoo.com )
Dilomatic Agent Email Address(diplomatericbrown2@w.cn)
my name is Brown William

Which email are we supposed to respond to?

A second question arises, is “dilomatic” missing a “p” or a “d”?

Actually a third question posed itself regarding Brown William, but some might think it racist, were we to voice it.

This is the they contains details on how you will use to make the payment,

We’re sorry, what? Are you referring to this “is a day” as opposed to some other “is a day”? What is an “is a day” anyway?

Receive’ Name ……….. Mr Michael Onuorah
City:…………….Cotonou
Country:……….Benin Republic
Question:……….Who is father?
Answer:……………God
Amount:……………..$105
MTCN:……………………

Well, it seems we overestimated Mr. Onuorah, he’s not a highly placed DHS official, but rather, it seems, he’s another mystery person lurking about the Western Union office in Cotonou, Benin. It must be a very busy place.

Therefore you will be required to send the required fee to Mr Michael Onuorah who is the rightful person you are suppose to deal with in regards of this Awarded Certificate via Western Union Money Transfer or Money Gram International Transfer. In order to enabel his Agent proceed towards delivery of your consignment Box,

We have been unable to get a Western Union MTCN from Money Gram. Is this going to hold things up?

Once you have sent the required fee to Mr Michael Onuorah he will obtain your Awarded Certificate without any further delay, You have hereby been authorized/guaranteed by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to commence towards completing this transaction, as there shall be NO delay once payment for the ApprovalAwarded Certificate has been made to the authorized agent.

So, everything is set to go, Homeland Security approves, the NYPD are ready to act, all is good except the final step which is that we are supposed to wire $105 to someone loitering around the Western Union office somewhere in the lovely Republic of Benin. 

Mind you, we don’t know what’s in the box, or behind door number three for that matter, aside from assurances that it is money.

We don’t have any idea why a box of our money would be in New York travelling with a dilomat, or how our money would have come to be in a box at all since we prefer mayonaisse jars.

We are led to believe that part of the $105 will go to freeing the captive dilomat, being held by the NYPD with the apparent approval of the Department of Homeland Security.

We are assured that there is no risk and that everything is under control, aside from these small hitches in the procedure and that all will be set straight by the might Mr. Michael Onuorah from his vantage point close to the action on the other side of the world.

Does that about sum it up?
 
This letter will serve as proof that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is authorizing you to pay the required US$105.00 ONLY to  Mr Michael Onuorah, if you do not receive your Consignment Box containing your funds we shall be held ZADROGA. DOUGLAS H. KING responsible

We found a definition of zadroga, although we do not understand it in this context. With regards to Douglas H. King, take your pick. We are at a loss.
 
Once you have completed payment of US$105.00 to the Mr Michael Onuorah charge of this transaction, immediately contact me back so as to ensure your consignment box gets to you rapidly .

We suspect that English and our writer may not be on the best of terms currently.

Mr. Michael Heimbach
Special Agent DHS.

As a finale, we have a new player introduced, a Michael Heimbach, who seems to make the rounds tracking down lost funds.

Should you hear anything from any of the aformentioned mystery men, do the smart thing. Delete their correspondence.

This purports to be many things but only succeeds at one.

It is a “Fraud”.

Join us again for “Toccata and Fugue in Scam Minor” here at HowToSpotAFraud.com.

That is all.