Born in the USA, no wait, Ireland, no that’s not it….

Today we have a nice letter from a nice old lady in some other part of the world who wants to give us some nice money.

That hardly ever happens to us.

Subject: DONATION FOR CHARITABLE
From: mrs.Anita Kumar
To: ellidtyd@howtospotafraud.com
Date Sent: 10/24/2012 1:55:34 PM
DONATION FOR CHARITABLE

I AM MRS. ANITA STHER KUMAR, FROM REPUBLIC OF IRELAND,
BORN IN THE STATE OF OHIO USA.

We have a feeling that Mrs. Kumar may not be telling us the truth.

Sther is at best, not a common Irish name, assuming that it’s her maiden name. It is also unusual for someone born in Ohio, USA to be from the Republic of Ireland.

Additionally, Ireland did not declare as a republic until 1949 and as we’ll see later, Mrs. Kumar is at least 91 years old, so she would have been born before the Irish Free State and would not be from the Republic of Ireland even if Ohio, USA had moved there temporarily in 1921.

I AM LEGALLY MARRIED TO MR. JOHN KUMAR, A BENIN CITIZEN BORN
BROUGHT UP IN SWITZERLAND, I LIVE IN SWITZERLAND WITH MY HUSBAND
FOR 32 YEARS BEFORE WE MOVE DOWN TO BENIN COTONOU IN 1985

Wouldn’t being born in Switzerland make him Swiss or is this just Coo-Coo.

Ohio USA, Republic of Ireland, Switzerland and Benin. It’s a wonder she and her husband met at all. So from 1953 until 1985 they lived in Switzerland and then what? They decided to trade up?

AFTER MY HUSBAND RETIREMENT IN 1974, I AM 91 YEARS OLD BY THE
GRACE OF GOD, I AM A NEW CHRISTIAN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM
LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST.

We are still trying to work out what she means here. We are clear that her husband retired in 1974. We have no problem with that although we again question why one would leave Switzerland for Benin.

That’s why punctuation is so important. All those commas muddy the intent.

Is she saying that she’s 91 now, or that she was 91 when he retired and that she’s 129 now?

Also, Benin seems an odd place to go to find Christ, but what do we know.

Another thing, and we’ve seen this before, there seems to be a correlation between converting to Christianity late in life (and in Africa) and suddenly being struck down with a fatal malady.

“Find Christ and Die” doesn’t sound very appealing.

ALL INDICATION FROM MY DOCTOR THAT MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY
DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WOULDN’T LIVE MORE
THAN TWO MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS AND IN ALL INDICATION
REGARDS TO MEDICAL ANALYSIS.

First - in either case at age 91 or 129, just take the two months and enjoy.

Second – we detect the subtle hand of the Department of Redundancy Department.

THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER DISEASE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE
THAT NO HOPE FOR ME TO BE A LIVING PERSON AGAIN.

We were unaware that cancer had a good stage aside from not having cancer at all.

We do not recall having received email from a zombie before. We must mark today on the calendar.

MY DEAR HUSBAND WAS INVOLVED WITH THE JANUARY 2000 KENYA
AIRWAYS PLANE CRASHED AS YOU CAN SEE ON THE NEWS LINE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6627485.stm )

Involved.

What a strange way to refer to being killed in a plane crash. The article lists one person from Switzerland, but none from Benin, so we can only assume that they never updated their driver’s licenses.

57 YEARS PERIOD OF MARRIAGE LIFE, STILL WE COULD NOT PRODUCE
ANY CHILD, MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS
DEATH, I INHERITED SOME PART OF HIS BUSINESS AND MONEY DEPOSIT
FINANCE SAFE KEEPING SECURITY COMPANY HERE. 

Fifty-seven years of marriage and they kept trying up until the bitter end. That’s perseverance for you. One wonders how well they would have tolerated the terrible twos had they had an eleventh hour success.

We also wonder where they were from 1943 until they turned up in Switzerland in 1953.

Could zere be zomezing she’s not telling us?

She’s given us so many other irrelevant bits of information, why not share that too?

THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN TWO
MONTHS AND WARN ME TO DECEASE FROM THINKING OVER WHO IS GOING
TO INHERIT ME, 

We know about the two months. As we said, take them and run. As far as inheriting her goes, we have questions.

Is she suggesting that we’d receive a cremation urn or is she planning on having herself stuffed and mounted?

We need to know. We are running out of space in the trophy room and the mantle is already quite full.

TODAY I HAVE DECIDED TO DONATE CONTRIBUTE TO THE
LESS PRIVILEGES, CHARITY AND ORPHANAGE HOMES. I MADE THIS DECISION
AFTER LISTING TO THE NEWS LINE ABOUT 100 YEARS OLD WOMAN WHO
SECRETLY DONATE HER FORTUNE UPONHER DEATH,
http://www.myfoxspokane.com/dpps/news/dpgoh-woman-donates-secret-millions-upon-her-death-fc-20100305_6410207

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8o-e-iLsUM

As is the case with these emails, we must assume that the little circle being let in on this proposal only encompasses most of the people on the planet.

I CHOOSE YOU AFTER VIEWING YOUR PROFILE AND I HAVE CONFIDENT IN
YOUBECAUSE I HAVE PRAYED. 

We were thinking, since she’s new to Christianity, do you think we should send her a copy of our pamphlet “The Dashboard”?

It outlines many of the precepts of the Church of Latter Day Edsel Hubcap Salesmen.

It is similar in size and scope to the “Watchtower” put out by one of our competitors, but with more full color photographs.

Living a life in service to our Ford has its advantages.

We are a very enlightened group. Women are even allowed to drive with their top down.

And if you’re feeling down and need a lift, we encourage the use of hydraulics.

Lift up your parts!

They get one up and about much faster than therapy sessions.

I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $12.5M U.S DOLLARS, TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS STILL IN THE FINANCE SAFE KEEPING SECURITY COMPANY WHERE MY HUSBAND DEPOSITED IT. I AM GOING TO ADVICE THE DIRECTOR OF THE FINANCE SAFE KEEPING SECURITY COMPANY TO CHANGE MY LAST WILL TO YOUR NAME AND FILE IN AN APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND DELIVERY OF THE MONEY IN YOUR NAME.

Ah, so this genius has left twelve and a half million dollars lying around in a box for twelve years and now at the age of ninety plus has decided that maybe she should do something with it.

We would bet that she has cats. Lots and lots of cats. 

Old ladies with fortunes in boxes always have more money than sense, but not more money than cats, as a rule.

We always were under the impression that changing a will needed lawyers and witnesses and such. The laws must be a bit more relaxed over there.

LASTLY, I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL
BE USED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE EVEN THOUGH I AM LATE THEN OR ALIVE,
BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT
CHRIST IS VANITY ACCORDING TO THE WISEST KING IN ISRAEL KING SOLOMON,
AND I MADE THE PROMISE TO GOD THAT THE FUND WILL BE USE TO HELP THE
NEEDY AND THE LESS PRIVILEGE,

King Solomon, or at least the King Solomon whom most people consider to be the King Solomon was born about a thousand years before Christ, when last we checked. We are fairly certain he was quite dead by Christmas.

Unless the wise King Solomon was Dr. Emmet Brown / Flux Capacitor wise, we doubt that he had much to say one way or the other regarding the vanity of Christ.

But that’s just our opinion.

We could be wrong.

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP
OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, PLEASE FURTHER DISCUSSION
CONTACT ME HERE: I AWAIT URGENT REPLY.

REMAIN BLESSED

MRS. ANITA STHER KUMAR

While we wish Mrs. Kumar well, actually we are not sure what we wish Mrs. Kumar.

Judging from the date she sent this letter, it’s a safe bet she won’t be getting home for Christmas. Close, but missed it by that much.

We will not wait for Mrs. Kumar’s money. It will never come.

Don’t let yourself be fooled if she tries to ply her feminie wiles on you either.

This is a Fraud.

That is all.

HELP, I need somebody.

Our pen pals in Africa have taken up their cause with a renewed spirit as of late.

We suspect that they are seeing the success that a man of Kenyan extract is having parting people from their money and must be under the assumption that there is more to go around.

We are receiving over five hundred requests a month recently.

When we started this silliness, it took eighteen months to accumulate fifteen hundred such emails. We have received nearly that number in the past three months.

Today we have yet another desperate plea for help.

Subject: I Will Really Need Your Help
From: Mrs. Martha Hills
Date Sent: 10/16/2012 1:58:05 AM
From Mrs.Martha Hills
102 Tunde Square,
Akpanpa Cotonou,
Cotonou-Benin Republic

We believe this may have come from Martha Hills of the Department of Redundancy Department.

I know you might not remember me again as it has been a long time. 

Yes, it has.

We checked our records and found that we haven’t been in Africa since four reincarnations ago.

Were you the singer at the saloon in San Angelo, Texas in 1863? The one on the end of town near Fort Concho, not the other one. Her name was Martha too.

My name is Mrs.Martha Hills.

What a surprise!

In order to transfer out (Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)
from our Bank . I have the courage to look for a reliable and Honest Person who will
be capable for this important business Transaction, believing that you will never let
me down either now or in Future.

We are always amazed that some people feel that the only way they can recruit honest embezzlement partners is via the Internet. One wonders what level of criminal element calls Africa its natural environment.

What ever happened to hanging around seedy bars down by the waterfront or recruiting from across the tracks on the wrong side town?

The owner of this account is Mr. David Hagen foreigner and the Manager Of petrol
chemical service, a chemical engineer by Profession and he died since 2005.the
account has no other beneficiary And my Investigation proved to me as well that
his company does not know anything About this account.

Did he die in 2005 or was it later? It’s really not clear here, especially since he’s still the owner of record.

Is he a zombie?

Will he come after us?

We need to know these things before we can make an informed decision.

Ah, so since we’re about to steal money from a bank that accepted a deposit of pre-stolen money, or perhaps more correctly, pre-embezzled, it’s alright to embezzle it then, isn’t it? Or would we be post-embezzling it?

It’s like buying a pre-owned car instead of a used one. Euphuisms are wonderful aren’t then?

Would Dillinger have been treated better if he had only been making “undocumented” withdrawals?

Bonnie and Clyde?

Baby Face Nelson?

Sadly they were just born before their time.

I want to transfer this money into a safe foreign account abroad with your HELP.
I want you to be rest assured that this transaction is real and Genuine business.

Our copy of HELP is on VHS. We are not certain how it will be of assistance, but rest assured, it is willing and able and ready to go.

We are curious as to how she knew we had a copy.

I believe in Allah (GOD) that you will never let me down in this transaction,
at the conclusion of this business,you will be giving 30% of the total amount, 
70% will be for me. 

Mrs. Hills mentions Allah and seems to think that we are so ignorant that Allah needed a parenthetical explanation, but that’s alright. It’s refreshing to know that the African embezzlement industry is not the sole property of born-again Christians.

And as we have said previously, we live a quiet life in service to our Ford as members of the Church of Latter Day Edsel Hubcap Salesmen.

So we think fifty-fifty sounds better. Otherwise there’s no prophet in it.

I look forward to your earliest reply by email for more details:
(martha_hills001@admin.in.th)

We think we have all the details we need, but thanks for the offer.

Best regards
Mrs.Martha Hills

Again, dear readers, we must caution you against falling for such a clever ploy as this from Mrs. Martha Hills.

No good will come of it should you reply as this is a Fraud.

That is all.

We read this earlier and now our brain hurts.

On occasion we receive emails attempting to convince us to part with our hard-earned funds which do strain our ability to believe.

The following is one such missive.

The Original File, which is viewable at the link to the left, is a visual delight from the early chaos period. If they paid a graphic designer to lay that out for them, they have our deepest sympathies, or would have were we so inclined.

A technical brief which may be skipped:
The original file came in at a whopping 123 K bytes. All but 7.6 K bytes was meaningless CSS code, which did nothing but list every possible attribute with no useful parameters.

What follows is the basic message. Again, please go here to see it in all its original glory.

WELCOME TO WESTERN UNION MONEYTRANSFER  

Send Money Worldwide
FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA/ADDRESS 455 ALAGBO,USMAN
ROAD OPPOSITE GOVERNMENT HOUSE WISE ABUJA.
Telephone ——Western Union email: westuniontbt20@gmail.com .

The preceding paragraph had six color combinations and half a dozen fonts as well. It seems that if less is more, then more must be even more. We would not like to see the color scheme in their hovel.

Attn; Beneficiary, 
This is to notify  you about the latest development concerning all the payment that are left in our custody,which yours are inclusive Besides, your where given a bill of $255.00USD in order to receive your payment of which we didn’t hear from you for sometime now…

Well, that was clear enough, wasn’t it?

Hence, our Western Union  is now offering a Special BONUS to help all our customers that are having their payment  in our custody due to prices. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $75. 00 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.

Hence generally implies that the newer statement logically follows the previous one.

For example: We didn’t know you were coming, hence we did not bake a cake.

In order words, they shouldn’t have used hence.

Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and have to comply and your funds shall be transfer to your designated address.

Besides is more or less similar to on the other hand. Hence its use is misguided as well.

But remember that after (3 DAYS) if you did not make the payment then we will divert your funds to Government Fund, to avoid problem or we will cancel the payment for this  year until next year. Again after (THREE DAYS ) We will enter A new project for the year and that is the  reason why we decided to help you before we enter into the new project.

We seem to have to pay then within the next three days or they will divert our funds to the Government or cancel them. Either one. Take your pick.

So be  advise to send the $75. 00 access fee immediately, so that we will register your payment and you will start receiving $5000.00 as from tomorrow.

So, if we send the money you’ll send money back. Why didn’t you just say that without all the blathering?

Be advise that there is no time again for we to call you on phone unless you will call or contact us through this e-mail:( westuniontbt20@gmail.com)

What?

After the payment of  access fee$75. 00 you will start receiving your money every  day  $5000.00 through Western Union until the full payment of $800,000.000.00 is complete paid  to you.

We were willing to consider your offer up to this point, but we are afraid we must pass.

At the rate of $5000 per day, it will take 160,000 days to collect the money. That seems a bit excessive and let us tell you why.

Today, as we write this, is October 13, 2012. It will take 438 years, 130 days to collect the money.

If we are able to collect on Sundays and holidays, we will reecive the last of our money on Sunday, November 6, 2450.

Let’s try to put that in perspective.

One hundred sixty thousand days ago was Friday, September 10, 1574.

That was three days before the Turkish fleet recaptured Tunis.

It was over a year before Johann Casimir von Pfalz-Simmern promised military aid to the Huguenots.

It was less than one hundred years since Columbus sailed and two hundred thirty-eight years before Columbus, Ohio.

In other words, that was a long time ago.

We will be collecting money for over two hundred years after the birth of James Tiberiuis Kirk on March 22nd, 2233.

Babylon 5 will have been operational for nearly two hundred years at that time, having been placed in service in 2256.

The Nostromo will have been missing for over three hundred years, having been declared missing in 2123.

George Jetson will have been dead for over three hundred years.

It’s roughly the half-life of the Americium isotope Am-241.

It is sixty-one years before the birth of Master Chief Petty Officer John-117

We just don’t think we have that kind of time.

Another problem with this.

It is five miles to the Western Union Office. That’s a ten-mile round trip.

At thirty miles an hour, that’s twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes times one hundred sixty thousand is three million two hundred thousand minutes.

Which is fifty-three thousand three hundred and thirty-three hours.

Which in turn is two thousand two hundred twenty-two days, or a little over six years.

Hence, that’s a long time to spend in a car.

To make the problem worse, if you assume that the money is in an interest bearing account, it might take centuries longer.

At .5 % accrued once a year, $800,000,000 will yield $4,000,000 in interest. $5,000 a day for a year is only $1,825,000. That means that we will be receiving our money at less than half the rate at which the balance increases.

In order words, we have been sentenced to drive back and forth to Western Union for eternity for paying the meager sum of $75.

Thanks.

Throw in some accordion polka music and Hell would be complete.

But we digress.

Send the $75 access fee through Western Union Money Transfer with the information  below,

RECEIVER:……….Mr Azichili Ibe 
COUNTRY……….. Nigeria
State ……………….. Lagos
Text Question…… Good
Answer…………… News
Amount……………$75. 00.

We would like to think that $5,000 a day was good news, but eternity is a very long time to spend in a car. Even if the infinite driving time is only part of the entire process.

The moment we receive the payment of $75. 00 we will release the first payment information of $5000 to you which you will pick up at your country at any western union post. Immediately you confirmed to us that you have picked it up we will proceed in sending another one, in this process you will be picking up your fund till it receive it completely.

Please, take your time, there’s no rush. The interest will pile up at almost $11,000 a day, so the $75 is only a little over an hour.

Thank God Bless you.
Mrs Mary John.

WESTERN UNION HEAD OFFICE DEPARTMENT
REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.  FOREIGN CONTRACTOR PAYMENT OFFICE

If you visit the original yet again, you will see that this came from Mery John.

They even got their own fake name wrong!

Well, if you haven’t guessed by now, this is a Fraud.

Please, please, please – do not be fooled by this should you receive it as well.

Despite the overall cleverness, it really is a Fraud.

That is all.

Having little to do with anything?

Elizabeth Warren is currently running for the Senate in Massachusetts.

She has made claims to Native American heritage.

She also tends to be very left leaning.

When she divorced her husband, James Warren, she kept his last name rather than returning to her maiden name, Herring.

When she remarried she still kept her first husband’s last name.

Her current husband is Bruce Mann.

Was it to avoid the inevitable Red Herring jokes?

Or is she avoiding the Red Mann label?

We were just wondering.

A slippery con man indeed.

We would like to thank and welcome all those who have become aware of us via our recent Freshly Pressed status.

We now find ourselves reminded of the plight of one Alfred P. Doolittle, who found himself elevated to a lofty position through the well-meaning efforts of others.

For the past 18 months this blog has been the meanderings of a madman and his cat. We were never overly concerned as to content as we were fairly certain that no one read it.

Our newfound readership gave us pause to consider whether we should do something more.

Should we aspire to something greater?

Fortunately, during the pause, the feeling passed, so back to the inbox we go.

We received this message, warning us about the activities of one John T. Kehoe of Sacramento, California.

It seems that Mr. Kehoe is attempting to make off with five million dollars which seemingly belongs to us and which has mysteriously surfaced in Nigeria.

Could there be anything to this? Let’s have a look.

From: CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
Sent: Sunday, October 07, 2012 6:02 PM
To: Undisclosed recipients:
Subject: Did You Authorize Mr. John T. Kehoe To come For Your Claim??

As is customary, the email is addressed to no one in particular.

If you hover your mouse cursor over the CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA link above, most browsers will pop a little box up showing the actual destination of the link. For the benefit of those for whom that doesn’t happen, the link points to test@grandtheatre.co.uk.

It struck us that a theater in Wolverhampton, England was an unusual place to locate a branch office of the Central Bank of Nigeria, but then we do not pretend to understand the banking industry.

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
WEBSITE:WWW.CENBANK.ORG
E-MAIL:cbn2012@blumail.org
TEL:+ 234-802-273-6789.

The address we are given to respond to is registered with blumail.org, a subsidiary of Bluworld.org, where we were able to set up an email account for the cat in less than five minutes. Again, this does not help the writer’s credibility at all.

According to the contact us page as www.cenbank.org, most of their emails address end with @cenbank.org, not @blumail.org.

ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY,
YOUR URGENT CONFIRMATION IS NEEDED FROM YOU.

Of course it’s urgent. When are these things not?

Definitely, I know that this letter will be a surprising one to you.

Absolutely startling.

In our office today, was a present of One Mr. John T. Kehoe of 122 Fitch Way, Sacramento, Ca. 95864 filing application contrary to your pending fund transfer. The above mentioned person visited this Bank yesterday with a power of attorney given in his favor by your good self, granting him the benefit to process and claim your inheritance of $5,000,000.00( Five Million United States Dollars Only) for personal reasons. He further Stated that the online account be Terminated while the fund should be wired to his Bank account with Bank Of America, Routing Number 121000358,Swift Code number BOFAUS3N.Our office have ask Mr. John T. Kehoe return back to the Bank within 48hours to enable us have a personal confirmation from you being hitherto the beneficiary.

If we are reading this correctly, Mr. Kehoe was there yesterday. The writer asked him to return within 48 hrs, which would be tomorrow. 

Today Mr. Kehoe sent a present. Did they open it? Was it someones birthday? Did he know our name?

Please tell us, the suspense is terrible.

We are sorry to have delayed your instruction in giving out this fund since we must adhere to the mod us operand of this honorable bank by making sure this request is verified and confirmed by the beneficiary and his existing attorney. Your confirmation to the above will be appreciated. We look forward to hearing from you soon. In receipt of this confidential Letter, you are required to call this Bank immediately you receive this Confidential Letter Direct Tel:+ 234-802-273-6789.

We would ask for clarification of mod us operand. We are unfamiliar with the concept.

We would also like to address the phrase Confidential Letter. One would suspect that a confidential letter would not be widely circulated. One would find oneself to be in error.

We submitted John T. Kehoe 122 Fitch Way, Sacramento, Ca. 95864 to a search engine in order to learn a little bit about our adversary.

We learned from Google maps that the house numbers on Fitch Way start at 1200 and continue upwards to 1390, which make us wonder where 122 is located.

We also learned from Bing that Mr. Kehoe has tried this sort of thing before:
May 2009, Barclays Bank, London, England
July 2009, Central Bank of Nigeria
Sept 2009, Barclays Bank, Lagos, Nigeria
Jan 2011, United Bank of Africa, Ghana
Feb 2011, Barclays Bank, Lagos, Nigeria (again)
Mar 2011, Barclays Bank, Lagos, Nigeria (again again)
Aug 2011, Barclays Bank, Lagos, Nigeria
May 2012, Central Bank of Nigeria
July 2012, Bank of Thailand
and of course this latest effort back at the Central Bank of Nigeria, yet again. There were many more listings but there’s no real point to bringing them up.

Each time he seems to get away.

Obviously the man is a super criminal worthy of being mentioned in the same breath with Lex Luthor.

Fool us once shame on you, fool us twice shame on us, fool us again and we shall meet the qualifications to be an executive at an African bank.

Await your urgent attention to this.

Wait away, everyone deserves a hobby.

Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Sanusi Lamido
Governor Central Bank of Nigeria.

We doubt your sincerity and doubly doubt that you are Dr. Lamido.

——————————————————————————-
Wolverhampton Grand Theatre (1982) Ltd. A company limited by guarantee.Registered in England No. 1731876. Registered Office: Lichfield Street, Wolverhampton, WV1 1DE. Charity No. 515154

This e-mail, and any attachment, is confidential. If you have received it in error, please delete it from your system, do not use or disclose the information in any way. The contents of this message may contain personal views which are not the views of the Grand Theatre, unless specifically stated. Any offer included in this e-mail does not constitute a contract.

We willingly admit to violating the spirit of the disclaimer, as it has nothing to do with the message, and quite frankly its inclusion is somewhat mystifying.

We suspect that the writer of this current email speaks something less than fluent English or they would have noticed the disclaimer’s intent.

It is also possible that the sender is relaying the mail through the theater mail server and doesn’t even know about the disclaimer.

In either case, it’s shoddy workmanship.

At any rate, should you find yourself worrying that John T. Kehoe is attempting to make off with your fortune, we would suggest that you might have better things to do.

Delete the warning and move on.

This is a Fraud.

That is all.

That’s easy for you to say.

We try our best while writing about our many pen pals from around the world to adhere to some, if not all, rules of syntax and grammar.

It’s not that we consider ourselves to be grammar experts, let alone grammar Nazis, but we find that readers of English have come to expect a certain level of consistency.

We would not attempt to write this blog in German even though we once studied it because we are no longer familiar enough with it that we could use it clearly and concisely.

Neither would we attempt to write in Farsi, as we know little at all about it.

On the other hand, governmental agencies generally employ translators in order to communicate with individuals whose native tongue is not the same as theirs. The reason is to avoid miscommunication.

It is important, when dealing with a language which one does not know fluently, to have someone available to ensure that one has not translated “Good day” into some horrible insult which could precipitate a major ground war.

One might reasonably think that a government minister from the Republic of Benin who was tasked with the distribution of millions of dollars to foreign nationals would have access to an English-speaking assistant who would be able to point out certain inadequacies in the communications issued by his office.

Yes, one might think that, but one would seem to be mistaken.

We were notified that we being sent two and a half million dollars by Minister Alfred Egonachi Boni of the Republic of Benin or, more likely, by someone cleverly pretending to be him.

Follow along and see if you’re not fooled into believing that this is actually from a high-ranking official of the government of Benin.

Subject: YOUR ATM CARD NUMBER IS:::::::637 955 331 3000 049 772
From: DESK OF THE MINISTER
To: undisclosed recipients:
Date Sent: 9/5/2012 12:40:05 PM

We would have hoped that a government minister involved with finance would have had the good sense not to send an ATM card number in an email. Sadly we would have been wrong.

We would also like to know the significance of multiple colons. We are unfamiliar with that particular construct.

We also wonder why, if the good minister was able to read the numbers on the card, he was not also able to read the name. He would have been able to send the mail to someone other than our old dear friend undisclosed recipients.

FROM THE DESK OF THE MINISTER ALFRED EGONACHI BONI
REF NO:…PDSN/OSI/OO2/ DSF2012 E-MAIL ADDRESS== goodluckebelejonathan@superposta.com .
DATE:-…05/09/2012. E-MAIL: goodluckebelejonathan@superposta.com

Our friend, the minister, wastes no time in pretending to be Goodluck Ebele Johnson, who is the president of Nigeria and should not be butting into the internal politics of the Republic of Benin.

This is a prime example of how wars get started. Given the general state of political affairs in Africa, one would think that minding one’s own business would be the order of the day.

MOTTO: NO BODY IS ABOVE THE LAW!!!

We are not sure whose motto this is or why it needed three exclamation marks. We also don’t think it needed quite so many uppercase letters. We do detect a certain fascination with superfluous punctuation.

We are unaware of there having been any major crime waves committed by bodies that would have given rise to the motto as most bodies are either beneath the earth or at least constrained well enough that they tend not to be major scoflaws.

No one or nobody would have worked better.

KIND ATTENTION.

As opposed, we suppose, to mean-spirited disregard.

DEAR FRIEND READ TO YOUR UNDERSTANDING BECAUSE I WANTED TO DO THIS TO YOU TO MARK MY SECOND TENURE AFTER OUR ELECTION LAST TIME AGO.

We tried to read this to our understanding, but ran out of fuel somewhere on the back straight during the fifth lap. We have therefore decided that reading this until we understand it might prove to be a task too time consuming to complete.

We are also very particular about what we allow to be done to us. We suspect the fascination with punctuation was just a passing fad.

THANK YOU FOR NOTIFYING THIS DEPARTMENT THAT YOU DIDN’T AUTHORIZE THIS IMPOSTOR NAMED TO ACT AND RECEIVE YOUR ATM DEBT CARD VALUED US$2.5MILLIN ON YOUR BEHALF FROM THIS HONORABLE COMMISSION JUST AS THEY CONFIRMED FROM (A.I.T) AFRICA INDEPENDENT TELEVISION THIS MORNING.

We have checked through the sent folder in our email account and have no record of anything addressed to goodluckebelejonathan@superposta.com. In addition, we have authorized no imposters, including this one. Neither have we broadcast any.

We wish to reserve judgment on the honorable commission allegation for the time being.

FURTHERMORE, WE ARE GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE IN A GOOD HEALTH STATE/ALIVE AND NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEALTH AND OTHERWISE.

We have always believed that good health state/alive was preferable to bad health state/dead, so we are forced to agree with this statement. We are not sure how the minister heard about our health, but one never knows. We have had a bit of trouble with our otherwise recently though.

BEFORE I PROCEED, I WOULD LIKE TO URGENTLY CLARIFY AND ASSURE YOU THAT THIS IS NOT A JOKE OR ANY KIND OF GAMES THAT HAS TO DO WITH FRAUD OR IDENTITY THEFT BECAUSE THE SAID WINNING CONTRACTUAL APPROVED SUM IS IN EXISTENCE AND IN YOUR NAME, READY TO BE RELEASED TO YOU AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE THROUGH THIS LEGAL METHOD OF PAYMENT. I REPEAT, THIS IS REAL, GENUINE AND ABOVE ALL, LEGAL AND 100% RISK FREE FINANCIALLY FROM YOUR SIDE, BECAUSE EVERY INFORMATION CONTAINED HERE AND IN THE PREVIOUS MESSAGE AS CONFIRMED BY THE DELIVERY COMPANY OR TRANSFER DEPARTMENT, SENT TO YOU OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE ARE NOTHING BUT ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

He does seem to speak like a politician.

We understand that this is not a joke – jokes are funny.

We would hesitate to call this a game as we would have no idea how to keep score.

Regarding the balance of the paragraph; we must call “Rubbish!”

TO THIS EFFECT, BE INFORMED THAT THE EMAIL I RECEIVED FROM THIS MISCREANT HAS ALREADY BEEN DIRECTED TO THE APPROPRIATE INVESTIGATION UNIT OF THIS COMMISSION (INTERPOL), FOR IMMEDIATE INVESTIGATION ON HOW TO GET THEM ARRESTED FOR ALLEGED FRAUD AND WITH THE HELP/INVOLVEMENT OF THE INTERPOL AND THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) IN THIS PURSUIT TO ERADICATE SCAMMERS/CHEATS/FRAUDSTERS OUT OF THE SURFACE OF THIS GREAT COUNTRY, I AM CONFIDENT TO TELL YOU THAT VERY SHORTLY, YOU WILL HEAR OF THE ARREST OF THIS HOODLUM.

“Eradicate scammers/cheats/fraudsters out of the surface of this great country”.

There’s a phrase one doesn’t hear everyday.

“Quick, toss me a piano!”

One seldom hears that either.

Double rubbish!

Just for the sake of curiosity, we cut the previous two paragraphs and pasted them into Microsoft Word. We then ran the grammar and spelling checker.

Sadly, Word found nothing amiss.

That was a disappointment.

It does explain a lot of the news articles on MSNBC however.

MEANWHILE, THE FOLLOWING DETAILS ARE FOR YOUR PERUSAL AND IMMEDIATE SHIPMENT OF YOUR ATM CASH PAYMENT CARD TO YOUR DOOR STEP SO AS TO EXPEDITE YOUR COMPLIANCE:-

We are not quite sure what we are being told here – or why. Will perusing be enough, or will more be required?

(1). YOUR ATM CARD NUMBER IS::::::::::637 955 331 3000 049 772
(2). YOUR ATM ACTIVATION CODE NUMBER IS:::::::::: 401202
(3). YOUR ATM CARD PIN NUMBER IS::::::::::::: XXXX
(4). YOUR CARD ISSUED DATE IS::::::::::::::::27/05/11
(5). YOUR CARD EXPIRY DATE IS::::::::::::::8/6/14
(6). CARD SHIPMENT DATE:::::::::::::::::::::::: 06/9\12
(7). CARD DELIVERY DATE::::::::::::::::06/09/12
(8). SPECIAL ANTI FRAUD UNIT SCREENED NUMBER IS:::::::::SAFUCN2244923NG
(9). FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE (F.M.F) APPROVAL NUMBER IS::::::FMF11

In examining the information provided above, we believe that we have discovered why it costs so much money to have a two by three-inch piece of plastic delivered. If it is shipped from Benin on the 6th of September and delivered in the United States on the same day, we must assume that they have perfected and are using the Wile E Coyote rapid rocket delivery system as seen on TV to deliver it.

We are somewhat confused as to where the card has been since its issuance on May 27, 2011 and why, after lying about for a year, it suddenly has become urgent.

The inclusion of a special anti fraud unit screened number was a nice original touch. We hadn’t seen that one before, very gobbledygook.

The Federal Ministry of Finance must be new if they’re only at eleven.

NOTE: YOU ARE ADVISED TO CHANGE YOUR SECRET PIN AND PASSWORD IMMEDIATELY THE CARD ARRIVES YOUR DOORSTEP ON THE DATE AND TIME GIVEN ABOVE.

We assume that this precaution is needed in case anyone may have seen this unencrypted display of all the account numbers and such.

Alas, September 6 has come and gone. The card, not surprisingly, did not arrive.

MEANWHILE, BECAUSE OF THE VITAL INFORMATION BOTH SIDES OF THE CARD CONTAINS ON HOW TO CHANGE YOUR PIN, ACTIVATE THE CARD AND THEN FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE CARD FOR CASH WITHDRAWALS AT ANY ATM CASH PAYMENT POINT/CENTER/MACHINES, WE ARE UNABLE TO SEND SCAN COPY OF IT TO YOU VIA EMAIL TO AVOID ANY ILLEGAL FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES ON YOUR PART WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT BY INTERNET SCAMMERS/HIJACKERS, BECAUSE THIS COMMISSION WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OR DAMAGE INTENTIONALLY DONE.

We must assume from this that the print on the card is very small since there seems to be a lot printed on the card and it won’t scan.

Of course the minister had no issues with manually copying and emailing the majority of the information. We guess that he couldn’t find a fake ATM card to scan.

We also like that they are willing to take no responsibility for anything that might go wrong with their brilliant plan.

HOWEVER, TO ENABLE THIS COMMISSION FACILITATE ONE TIME SHIPMENT AND PROMPT DELIVERY OF THIS CARD TO YOUR DESIGNATED ADDRESS WITHIN LESS THAN 48HRS AS MANDATED/SCHEDULED THROUGH (SPEED LINK SERVICE DELIVERY), AN EXPRESS DELIVERY COST OF US$109.00 ONLY, IS REQUIRED FROM YOU TO ENHANCE SHIPMENT/DELIVERY OF THIS CARD TO YOUR DOORSTEP WITHOUT ANY HITCH AND DELAY.

Did he not state earlier that it would be sent and delivered on the 6th of September. Why is he now saying that it will take two days.

Question; would it be cheaper to ship it unenhanced?

For $109 US, one could ship a small refrigerator to Africa. Why is it so much for small plastic card?

We went to the Speedlink site. We couldn’t see anything about them delivering or picking up in either Benin or the United States. Could the minister be trying to pull a fast one?

HOWEVER, KINDLY USE THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM, RECEIVER’S DETAILS BELOW TO EFFECT THIS FEE AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS NOTIFICATION RESPONSE TODAY SO AS TO FACILITATE SHIPMENT OF YOUR ATM CARD TO YOUR DOORSTEP AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE:-

NAME::::::::::::::: Okolo Samuel
ADDRESS:::::::::::::::: BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY:::::::::::::::::::::::::::COTONOU
TEXT QUESTION:::::::::::::WHAT FOR?
TEXT ANSWER::::::::::::::::SERVICE
AMOUNT::::::::::::::::US$64.00 ONLY.

We have been discounted, or rather the amount has. The price has dropped suddenly from $109 to $64. We would like an explanation if it’s not too much trouble.

We find the colons very strange.

For the amount of money that seems to pass through the Western Union office in Cotonou, one would think that it must be a very lavish establishment.

As it turns out, according to the Western Union website, there are over 250 Western Union establishments in Cotonou, Benin, a city with a population of just about one million.

AS SOON AS THIS FEE IS EFFECTED TO THE SHIPPING COMPANY’S RECEIVER’S INFORMATION ABOVE, YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE US WITH THE FOLLOWING PAYMENT COMPLIANCE PICK UP DETAILS FOR CONFIRMATION TO HELP US INSTRUCT THE SHIPPING COMPANY TO PROCEED WITH SHIPMENT OF YOUR CARD TO ITS DESTINATION COUNTRY IMMEDIATELY AND THEN QUICKLY FURNISH YOU WITH THE LABEL RECEIPT TRACKING NUMBER, TO ENABLE YOU TRACK STATUS OF THE SHIPMENT AND ITS SAFETY ARRIVAL TO YOUR DOORSTEP WITHIN 24HRS RESPECTIVELY:-

We were originally told the shipment would be instantaneous, or close to it. Then we were told it would cost $109 for 48 hour shipment and now for $64 it’s down to 24 hours. What king of shipping company are they using?

(1).MONEY TRANSFER CONTROL NUMBER (M.T.C.N).
(2).SENDER’S NAME & ADDRESS.
(3).TEST QUESTION & ANSWER.

AS SOON AS I RECEIVE THESE DETAILS FROM YOU AND THE SENT FEE CONFIRMED, WE WILL NOT HESITATE TO AUTHORIZE IMMEDIATE SHIPMENT OF YOUR ATM CARD TO IT’S COUNTRY/STATE LOCATION AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

Once again it does not seem that they have any idea as to where they’re shipping the ATM card.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, BELOW ARE TABULATED REASONS OF THE US$109.00 FEE PAYMENT AS CHARGED: (A) DELIVERY SERVICE FEE:::::::::US$30.00 ONLY. (B) INSURANCE PREMIUM COVERAGE CHARGE:::::::: US$34.00 ONLY. TOTAL FEE INVOLVED:::::::::::::::::US$64.00 ONLY.

There seems to be $45 unaccounted for in the tabulation.

THEREFORE, IF YOUR MAILING ADDRESS IS DIFFERENT FROM THE SENDER ADDRESS OF THIS FEE, PLEASE KEEP US POSTED WITH THE CORRECT/VALID ADDRESS WHERE YOU WISH THE SHIPPING COMPANY TO DELIVER THE PARCEL (ATM CARD) IN YOUR NEXT RESPONSE SO AS TO AVOID WRONG DELIVERY, BECAUSE THIS COMMISSION WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS/MISDIRECTION OR WRONG DELIVERY OF PARCEL WITHOUT PROPER NOTIFICATION GUIDELINES FROM THE BENEFICIARY.

Once again if things go south, it’s all on us.

LASTLY, YOU ARE FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS WHERE NECESSARY AND YOUR IMMEDIATE COMPLIANCE WITH THIS FEE TODAY WILL HELP ATTAIN SHIPMENT OF THIS CARD TO YOUR DESIGNATED ADDRESS WITHIN THE TIME FRAME STIPULATED ABOVE UNFAILINGLY.

We have questions, but are not sure where to begin.

TAKE NOTE: THIS FEE CANNOT BE WAIVED OR NEGOTIATED. FURTHERMORE, IT CANNOT BE SIMULTANEOUSLY SUBTRACTED/WITHDREW FROM THE ATM CASH CARD BY A THIRD PARTY BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS THE MANDATED TO ACCESS THE CARD FOR ANY TRANSACTIONS IN AND OUTSIDE THE USA WITH THE INFORMATION OF IT. ANY ATTEMPT BY A THIRD PARTY WOULD BE SUBJECTED/REGARDED AS A FRAUD AND WE WILL NOT HESITATE TO INSTRUCT THE ISSUED BANK TO HAVE IT CONFISCATED/DECLINED SINCE WE ARE NOT READY TO BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OR DAMAGE ON YOUR PART IF OR INTERCEPTED.

Actually, it would be better if you gave us the bank’s telephone number so we could call the card in as missing. We’ve done this sort of thing before and the banks have always been happy to send a replacement for free.

ON THE OTHER HAND, BE EARLIER INFORMED THAT THE SHIPPING COMPANY INVOLVED DOESN’T OPERATE THE CASH ON DELIVERY (C.O.D) METHOD OF SERVICE. THEY RECEIVE SHIPPING CHARGE/FEE(S) UPFRONT AND THEN EXECUTE SERVICE PROMPTLY WITHIN THE TIME FRAME STIPULATED.

We cannot be earlier informed as time-travel is against out religious beliefs.

I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ASSURED/CLARIFIED/GUARANTEED WITH THE ABOVE LINES CONCERNING SHIPMENT OF YOUR ATM CARD? THEREFORE, YOU ARE ADVISED TO GO AHEAD AND HAVE THE FEE EFFECTED TO THE AUTHORIZED RECEIVER’S INFORMATION GIVEN TO AVOID DELAY IN ATTAINING DELIVERY OF THE ATM CARD TO YOUR NOMINATED ADDRESS WITHIN LESS THAN 48HRS AS SCHEDULED IN YOUR FAVOR.

We don’t want to be the ones to dash your hopes but…..

IMPORTANT: WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW OF THE TIME FRAME IN THIS TRANSACTION, WHICH WE WANT YOU TO OBSERVE/OBLIGE TO IN ORDER TO AVOID ANY BREACH OF AGREEMENT, BECAUSE ANY FORM OF DELAY, HESITATION, DOUBTS IN THIS TRANSACTION WILL LEAD TO IMMEDIATE TERMINATION OF THIS PAYMENT IN THE NEXT 48HRS IF PAYMENT DEVICE/FUND IS NOT CLAIMED BY YOU.

We’re sorry, what?

NB: IF WE DON’T HEAR BACK FROM YOU WITHIN LESS THAN 24HRS, WE WOULD ASSUMED THAT YOU GOT THIS NOTIFICATION RESPONSE AND THEN IGNORED IT, AS A RESULT, WE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SUSPEND FURTHER SHIPMENT OF THIS CARD TO YOU UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

Wasn’t it 48 hours just a paragraph or two back?

THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED COOPERATION IN THIS REGARDS. YOURS FAITHFULLY BEST REGARDS,

Oh please, don’t mention it.

FROM THE DESK OF THE MINISTER ALFRED EGONACHI BONI. MINISTER OF BENIN REPUBLIC. REF NO:…PDSN/OSI/OO2/ DSF2012 E-MAIL ADDRESS==; goodluckebelejonathan@superposta.com DATE:-…05/09/2012. E-MAIL: goodluckebelejonathan@superposta.com

And we close exactly as we opened, although we suspect that he only meant to cut and past the name, not the entire opening salvo.

In any case, we would like to advise against making any contact with Alfred should he make you an offer you should refuse.

He has nothing to offer you despite his mangled effort to the contrary.

Just delete his spiel.

He is a Fraud.

That is all.

The Debate

I remember it well.