Remember you heard it here first! Posted 11/17/2011
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Remember you heard it here first! Posted 11/17/2011
When last we heard from Director Mueller he was trying to get us to send $58 to Africa in order to get an ATM card shipped to us. He had just returned to the office after taking a few days off due to stress.
Now, it seems, we are the focus of his attention again.
We wonder why this time.
Subject: FBI NEED SOLID PROOF FROM YOU BECAUSE OF THE FUND YOU ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE?
From: Federal bureau of investigation
Date Sent: 6/27/2013 8:13:08 PM
As usual, Bob’s forgotten our name again.
Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C.
Federal bureau of investigation
J. Edgar Hoover building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
It’s the little touches, such as “Ref:FBI/DC/09/13″, that add so much credibility to these email. Don’t you agree?
Attention: Fund Beneficiary,
This is an official advice from the FBI foreign remittance/telegraphic dept. it has come to our notice that bank of Nigeria has released US$10,500,000.00 U.S dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by Inheritance means. The bank of Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to affect this payment from the United Kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (S.T.D.P) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.
When we pay our bills, we always use secret diplomatic transit payments, they are so much more convenient than having to mail a check. It also helps the economy by keeping small herds of secret diplomats off the unemployment rolls. Of course the ones we use are (S.D.T.P)s.
They are still waiting for confirmation from you on the already transferred funds, which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account. Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account? This is a pure coded means of payment which we have had in the past has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.
It seems that the FBI has nothing better to do than stick their noses into everyone’s secret diplomatic business. It puzzles us as to why the bank hasn’t contacted us about this. Surely they must be aware that the funds are somewhere.
As an afterthought, if this is such a secret way of transferring money, why do so many people seem to know about it.
And another thing, if all secret diplomatic transfers are related to terrorism, shouldn’t it be a simple task to round up all the terrorists?
Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary scrutiny by the UK/USA authorities when funds come from outside of America, and the Middle East, the F.B.I crime commission has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of US$10.500.00 through a secured diplomatic transit, account (S.D.T.A). We govern and oversee funds Transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world. We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are terrorist/drug free else we shall have cause to cross and impound the payment, however, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.
Ah, so now the FBI has stopped the transfer and they have the money, not the secret diplomat as we were previously lead to believe.
See, this is how wars get started. The FBI has no authority to be sticking its nose into the Nigeria banking community. That’s the province of either the CIA or the NSA. Interpol might have some sway with the world bank, but the FBI seems to have gone around them and butted in directly.
We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involved, we want to make sure that the legitimacy of the fund you are about to receive is not in doubt whatsoever. Note!! The fund is in the Bank of America right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and verifications from you before releasing the funds, to this regards, you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is clean and legitimate by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) to certify that the fund is not for terrorism/money laundering. You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, let us know so that we can direct you where to get it.
Wait a minute.
Now the money’s in the Bank of America? Didn’t the FBI just say they had it? Why haven’t we heard from Bank of America? We are getting very confused.
These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you dont have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by the bank that initialized the transfer Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment,Naturalization or military service.
What? The bank that is sending us the money is using a method reserved for terrorism but if we get a certificate from them saying that its not terrorism everything will be alright. Is that what the FBI is trying to say here?
Not to mention that the previous paragraph is very difficult to read as it is a single sentence, more or less.
These conditions is Valid until 31st of September 2013 after we shall take actions on canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria.
Well, we have until the 31st of September so clearly there’s no rush here.
We are somewhat at a loss as to how we could be charged with moving money out of Nigeria since the money seems not to have left Nigeria and since we knew nothing of its existence until just now.
Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document.
Well it’s nice to know that the FBI has a warranty program in addition to its warrants.
60fCredit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee
61eBeneficiary has full power when validation is cleared
62 Beneficiaries bank in USA/outside can only release funds-
62 Upon confirmation from the world bank/united nations.
64 Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request
We must ponder what condition 63 must have been.
NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimacy of the fund you are about to receive.
Next they’ll send the mattress tag police after us. The ones responsible for enforcing “This tag must not be removed under penalty of law”, despite the fact that they are usually placed somewhere where they must be removed if only for esthetic reasons.
The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S and outside. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons, individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country (i.e., Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history background, etc.).
The previous paragraph must be important, it’s red.
Robert S. Mueller III.
Sorry Bob. This is a fraud.
Please do not wait patiently for us to respond. Get on with your life. You’re retiring soon. You need to be making plans.
That is all.
We recently received an important missive, allegedly from our old friend Bob Mueller at the FBI, who was kind enough to take a break from the NSA phone snooping kerfuffle to inform us that yet another fortune was heading our way.
[Dear NSA reader, this is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously. We sincerely wish you the best of luck in reacquiring Edward Snowden. Please, feel free to click about the site, it helps out page view count.]
One must hedge one’s bets on occasion.
Subject: Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.WASHINGTON DC
From: Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.
To: undisclosed recipients:
Date Sent: 6/5/2013 12:07:02 PM
We believe we are meant to believe that this email’s point of origin may have something to do with the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) in Washington DC, USA, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe, etc.
We could be wrong, but that’s the way we’re leaning at this time.
Of course, one might also believe that the FBI might have been able to investigate our name as undisclosed recipients is both impersonal and plural.
Are we to assume that we have been given a deadline? Let’s press on.
Robert S. Mueller, III
Senior Office Department Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.WASHINGTON DC
The statement above may be the closest this email’s closest approach to the truth. There is a Federal Bureau of Investigation. It is in Washington, DC and Robert S. Mueller is the director.
As they say in French, “La plume de ma tante est sur le bureau de mon oncle”.
Which, like the quote from the email above, has nothing to do with anything at this present time.
Know More About Me: http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/executives/director 29TH MAY 2013 LAST UPDATE.
Can you imagine how much better life would be if everyone who we ever dealt with set up a web page so that we might know them better.
Think how much more enjoyable it would be if, as you watched your car being repossessed by Rocco and his knuckle-dragger associates, you were able to visit Rocco’s webpage and learn that not only did he get into the repossession business after his parole but that he also collected PEZ dispensers and crocheted doilies in his spare time when he wasn’t grooming his Siamese cats.
Why, it would eliminate the need for Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest ….
Oh, never mind.
I am sorry for the late reply i was not feeling good all this while due to office stress but everything is ok now due to i followed my doctor advice and stayed out of office for two days.
As we never asked Bob a question, we are not as concerned as to the lateness of his response as he seems to be.
Hopefully he got the advice late on Friday so that he didn’t need to use his sick time.
Perhaps this “office stress” is a contributing factor to his decision to step down later this year which will undoubtedly set off a cut and paste frenzy on the African continent unprecedented in human history.
If Ban Ki Moon resigned from the U.N at the same time the world’s spam output would drop to near zero for months.
I resumed office some hours back and i received update from Mr. Andrew Hill he told me There will be an International Flight today by 9pm and Mr. Andrew Hill will act as your diplomat and deliver the package to you which will take only 18 hours to get the package delivered.
It’s nice to know that with all his problems, Bob thought of us before the NSA.
Note: The package you will receive contain a Visa Credit Card which contain $20 Million usd ,Master Credit Card which contain $200,000 and a verified cashier check worth $3 Million usd with the required security document which was made in your name as the sole owner and it also include the security pin you will use to transact with both credit cards.
We have always at the ease with which these cretins are able to get their hands on our credit cards.
We have had to pretty much sign in blood at a local branch of our bank when we have had to replace a card which had a scratched magnetic stripe, which we had in our possession and were able to show to the bank personnel who still demanded dental records and yet somehow these people are able to have our cards shipped directly to them in Nigeria.
It is a puzzlement indeed.
The sum of $58 is required to enable Mr.Okolo Nnamdi get a diplomatic package seal with tag or else the International Airport customs will not allow him to board the flight with the package and this diplomatic package seal with tag will be made in your name as the owner of the package.
We suggested that were Mr. Nnamdi to place the aforementioned cards into his wallet and perhaps use the check as a bookmark that the $58 and all the needless folderol would be unnecessary.
We even went so far as to suggest that were they to simply email us the customer service telephone number from the back of the card, that we would be happy to call Visa and MasterCard directly, explain that somehow our cards were accidently sent to a random African and request that they send us replacements.
Not surprisingly, we did not hear back.
There is no much time left and the fee need to be paid today to enable him board tonight flight and it will take 18 hours to get the package delivered to you.
After reading Director Mueller’s webpage, we are surprised to see that he has so much difficulty with English. One might almost think that we are not in communication with Director Mueller but rather with a very clever impersonator.
We looked up the longest international flights, assuming that it might give us a clue as to where the cards were coming from, but none of them leave at 9 PM.
Send the $58 charge fee and get your package delivered within 18 hours and this will be the only fee and last fee required from you toward this transaction.
Until the next one.
USE THE DETAILS BELOW TO SEND THE $58 VIA WESTERN UNION.
RECEIVER NAME: Mr.OKOLO NNAMDI
ADDRESS: 12 EMBASSY STREET
TEXT QUESTION: Y
23401 is the zip code for Keller, Virginia. They don’t seem to use zip codes in Nigeria.
AWAIT YOUR REPLY AND THE REQUIRED PAYMENT CONFIRMATION DETAILS..
While you’re waiting you might find passing the time will be easier if you find a good book to read.
This might be a violation of church and state, not that we are trying to make a federal case out of it. Far be it from us to counsel the FBI as to the conduct of its day to day affairs.
Robert S. Mueller, III
Senior Office Department Tel +234 8138 601 630
Federal Bureau Of Investigation FBI.WASHINGTON DC
Since 234 is the country code for Nigeria, we wonder how did Bob string the wire into his office in Washington.
Know More About Me: http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/executives/director
Just in case we missed the opportunity to get to know Bob better.
Nothing screams authenticity like a rocketmail account.
Well, needless to say, but we shall say it nonetheless, this is a fraud.
Once again, not only has our mystery correspondent failed to convince us to send him $58 in return for a fortune, he has failed to convince us that there is intelligent life on the internet.
That is all.
Today we have a nice letter from a nice old lady in some other part of the world who wants to give us some nice money.
That hardly ever happens to us.
Subject: DONATION FOR CHARITABLE
From: mrs.Anita Kumar
Date Sent: 10/24/2012 1:55:34 PM
DONATION FOR CHARITABLE
I AM MRS. ANITA STHER KUMAR, FROM REPUBLIC OF IRELAND,
BORN IN THE STATE OF OHIO USA.
We have a feeling that Mrs. Kumar may not be telling us the truth.
Sther is at best, not a common Irish name, assuming that it’s her maiden name. It is also unusual for someone born in Ohio, USA to be from the Republic of Ireland.
Additionally, Ireland did not declare as a republic until 1949 and as we’ll see later, Mrs. Kumar is at least 91 years old, so she would have been born before the Irish Free State and would not be from the Republic of Ireland even if Ohio, USA had moved there temporarily in 1921.
I AM LEGALLY MARRIED TO MR. JOHN KUMAR, A BENIN CITIZEN BORN
BROUGHT UP IN SWITZERLAND, I LIVE IN SWITZERLAND WITH MY HUSBAND
FOR 32 YEARS BEFORE WE MOVE DOWN TO BENIN COTONOU IN 1985
Wouldn’t being born in Switzerland make him Swiss or is this just Coo-Coo.
Ohio USA, Republic of Ireland, Switzerland and Benin. It’s a wonder she and her husband met at all. So from 1953 until 1985 they lived in Switzerland and then what? They decided to trade up?
AFTER MY HUSBAND RETIREMENT IN 1974, I AM 91 YEARS OLD BY THE
GRACE OF GOD, I AM A NEW CHRISTIAN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM
LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST.
We are still trying to work out what she means here. We are clear that her husband retired in 1974. We have no problem with that although we again question why one would leave Switzerland for Benin.
That’s why punctuation is so important. All those commas muddy the intent.
Is she saying that she’s 91 now, or that she was 91 when he retired and that she’s 129 now?
Also, Benin seems an odd place to go to find Christ, but what do we know.
Another thing, and we’ve seen this before, there seems to be a correlation between converting to Christianity late in life (and in Africa) and suddenly being struck down with a fatal malady.
“Find Christ and Die” doesn’t sound very appealing.
ALL INDICATION FROM MY DOCTOR THAT MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY
DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WOULDN’T LIVE MORE
THAN TWO MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS AND IN ALL INDICATION
REGARDS TO MEDICAL ANALYSIS.
First - in either case at age 91 or 129, just take the two months and enjoy.
Second – we detect the subtle hand of the Department of Redundancy Department.
THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER DISEASE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE
THAT NO HOPE FOR ME TO BE A LIVING PERSON AGAIN.
We were unaware that cancer had a good stage aside from not having cancer at all.
We do not recall having received email from a zombie before. We must mark today on the calendar.
MY DEAR HUSBAND WAS INVOLVED WITH THE JANUARY 2000 KENYA
AIRWAYS PLANE CRASHED AS YOU CAN SEE ON THE NEWS LINE
What a strange way to refer to being killed in a plane crash. The article lists one person from Switzerland, but none from Benin, so we can only assume that they never updated their driver’s licenses.
57 YEARS PERIOD OF MARRIAGE LIFE, STILL WE COULD NOT PRODUCE
ANY CHILD, MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS
DEATH, I INHERITED SOME PART OF HIS BUSINESS AND MONEY DEPOSIT
FINANCE SAFE KEEPING SECURITY COMPANY HERE.
Fifty-seven years of marriage and they kept trying up until the bitter end. That’s perseverance for you. One wonders how well they would have tolerated the terrible twos had they had an eleventh hour success.
We also wonder where they were from 1943 until they turned up in Switzerland in 1953.
Could zere be zomezing she’s not telling us?
She’s given us so many other irrelevant bits of information, why not share that too?
THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN TWO
MONTHS AND WARN ME TO DECEASE FROM THINKING OVER WHO IS GOING
TO INHERIT ME,
We know about the two months. As we said, take them and run. As far as inheriting her goes, we have questions.
Is she suggesting that we’d receive a cremation urn or is she planning on having herself stuffed and mounted?
We need to know. We are running out of space in the trophy room and the mantle is already quite full.
TODAY I HAVE DECIDED TO DONATE CONTRIBUTE TO THE
LESS PRIVILEGES, CHARITY AND ORPHANAGE HOMES. I MADE THIS DECISION
AFTER LISTING TO THE NEWS LINE ABOUT 100 YEARS OLD WOMAN WHO
SECRETLY DONATE HER FORTUNE UPONHER DEATH,
As is the case with these emails, we must assume that the little circle being let in on this proposal only encompasses most of the people on the planet.
I CHOOSE YOU AFTER VIEWING YOUR PROFILE AND I HAVE CONFIDENT IN
YOUBECAUSE I HAVE PRAYED.
We were thinking, since she’s new to Christianity, do you think we should send her a copy of our pamphlet “The Dashboard”?
It outlines many of the precepts of the Church of Latter Day Edsel Hubcap Salesmen.
It is similar in size and scope to the “Watchtower” put out by one of our competitors, but with more full color photographs.
Living a life in service to our Ford has its advantages.
We are a very enlightened group. Women are even allowed to drive with their top down.
And if you’re feeling down and need a lift, we encourage the use of hydraulics.
They get one up and about much faster than therapy sessions.
I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $12.5M U.S DOLLARS, TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS STILL IN THE FINANCE SAFE KEEPING SECURITY COMPANY WHERE MY HUSBAND DEPOSITED IT. I AM GOING TO ADVICE THE DIRECTOR OF THE FINANCE SAFE KEEPING SECURITY COMPANY TO CHANGE MY LAST WILL TO YOUR NAME AND FILE IN AN APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE AND DELIVERY OF THE MONEY IN YOUR NAME.
Ah, so this genius has left twelve and a half million dollars lying around in a box for twelve years and now at the age of ninety plus has decided that maybe she should do something with it.
We would bet that she has cats. Lots and lots of cats.
Old ladies with fortunes in boxes always have more money than sense, but not more money than cats, as a rule.
We always were under the impression that changing a will needed lawyers and witnesses and such. The laws must be a bit more relaxed over there.
LASTLY, I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL
BE USED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE EVEN THOUGH I AM LATE THEN OR ALIVE,
BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT
CHRIST IS VANITY ACCORDING TO THE WISEST KING IN ISRAEL KING SOLOMON,
AND I MADE THE PROMISE TO GOD THAT THE FUND WILL BE USE TO HELP THE
NEEDY AND THE LESS PRIVILEGE,
King Solomon, or at least the King Solomon whom most people consider to be the King Solomon was born about a thousand years before Christ, when last we checked. We are fairly certain he was quite dead by Christmas.
Unless the wise King Solomon was Dr. Emmet Brown / Flux Capacitor wise, we doubt that he had much to say one way or the other regarding the vanity of Christ.
But that’s just our opinion.
We could be wrong.
MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP
OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, PLEASE FURTHER DISCUSSION
CONTACT ME HERE: I AWAIT URGENT REPLY.
MRS. ANITA STHER KUMAR
While we wish Mrs. Kumar well, actually we are not sure what we wish Mrs. Kumar.
Judging from the date she sent this letter, it’s a safe bet she won’t be getting home for Christmas. Close, but missed it by that much.
We will not wait for Mrs. Kumar’s money. It will never come.
Don’t let yourself be fooled if she tries to ply her feminie wiles on you either.
This is a Fraud.
That is all.
Our pen pals in Africa have taken up their cause with a renewed spirit as of late.
We suspect that they are seeing the success that a man of Kenyan extract is having parting people from their money and must be under the assumption that there is more to go around.
We are receiving over five hundred requests a month recently.
When we started this silliness, it took eighteen months to accumulate fifteen hundred such emails. We have received nearly that number in the past three months.
Today we have yet another desperate plea for help.
Subject: I Will Really Need Your Help
From: Mrs. Martha Hills
Date Sent: 10/16/2012 1:58:05 AM
From Mrs.Martha Hills
102 Tunde Square,
We believe this may have come from Martha Hills of the Department of Redundancy Department.
I know you might not remember me again as it has been a long time.
Yes, it has.
We checked our records and found that we haven’t been in Africa since four reincarnations ago.
Were you the singer at the saloon in San Angelo, Texas in 1863? The one on the end of town near Fort Concho, not the other one. Her name was Martha too.
My name is Mrs.Martha Hills.
What a surprise!
In order to transfer out (Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)
from our Bank . I have the courage to look for a reliable and Honest Person who will
be capable for this important business Transaction, believing that you will never let
me down either now or in Future.
We are always amazed that some people feel that the only way they can recruit honest embezzlement partners is via the Internet. One wonders what level of criminal element calls Africa its natural environment.
What ever happened to hanging around seedy bars down by the waterfront or recruiting from across the tracks on the wrong side town?
The owner of this account is Mr. David Hagen foreigner and the Manager Of petrol
chemical service, a chemical engineer by Profession and he died since 2005.the
account has no other beneficiary And my Investigation proved to me as well that
his company does not know anything About this account.
Did he die in 2005 or was it later? It’s really not clear here, especially since he’s still the owner of record.
Is he a zombie?
Will he come after us?
We need to know these things before we can make an informed decision.
Ah, so since we’re about to steal money from a bank that accepted a deposit of pre-stolen money, or perhaps more correctly, pre-embezzled, it’s alright to embezzle it then, isn’t it? Or would we be post-embezzling it?
It’s like buying a pre-owned car instead of a used one. Euphuisms are wonderful aren’t then?
Would Dillinger have been treated better if he had only been making “undocumented” withdrawals?
Bonnie and Clyde?
Baby Face Nelson?
Sadly they were just born before their time.
I want to transfer this money into a safe foreign account abroad with your HELP.
I want you to be rest assured that this transaction is real and Genuine business.
We are curious as to how she knew we had a copy.
I believe in Allah (GOD) that you will never let me down in this transaction,
at the conclusion of this business,you will be giving 30% of the total amount,
70% will be for me.
Mrs. Hills mentions Allah and seems to think that we are so ignorant that Allah needed a parenthetical explanation, but that’s alright. It’s refreshing to know that the African embezzlement industry is not the sole property of born-again Christians.
And as we have said previously, we live a quiet life in service to our Ford as members of the Church of Latter Day Edsel Hubcap Salesmen.
So we think fifty-fifty sounds better. Otherwise there’s no prophet in it.
I look forward to your earliest reply by email for more details:
We think we have all the details we need, but thanks for the offer.
Again, dear readers, we must caution you against falling for such a clever ploy as this from Mrs. Martha Hills.
No good will come of it should you reply as this is a Fraud.
That is all.
On occasion we receive emails attempting to convince us to part with our hard-earned funds which do strain our ability to believe.
The following is one such missive.
The Original File, which is viewable at the link to the left, is a visual delight from the early chaos period. If they paid a graphic designer to lay that out for them, they have our deepest sympathies, or would have were we so inclined.
A technical brief which may be skipped:
The original file came in at a whopping 123 K bytes. All but 7.6 K bytes was meaningless CSS code, which did nothing but list every possible attribute with no useful parameters.
What follows is the basic message. Again, please go here to see it in all its original glory.
WELCOME TO WESTERN UNION MONEYTRANSFER
Send Money Worldwide
FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA/ADDRESS 455 ALAGBO,USMAN
ROAD OPPOSITE GOVERNMENT HOUSE WISE ABUJA.
Telephone ——Western Union email: email@example.com .
The preceding paragraph had six color combinations and half a dozen fonts as well. It seems that if less is more, then more must be even more. We would not like to see the color scheme in their hovel.
This is to notify you about the latest development concerning all the payment that are left in our custody,which yours are inclusive Besides, your where given a bill of $255.00USD in order to receive your payment of which we didn’t hear from you for sometime now…
Well, that was clear enough, wasn’t it?
Hence, our Western Union is now offering a Special BONUS to help all our customers that are having their payment in our custody due to prices. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $75. 00 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.
Hence generally implies that the newer statement logically follows the previous one.
For example: We didn’t know you were coming, hence we did not bake a cake.
In order words, they shouldn’t have used hence.
Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and have to comply and your funds shall be transfer to your designated address.
Besides is more or less similar to on the other hand. Hence its use is misguided as well.
But remember that after (3 DAYS) if you did not make the payment then we will divert your funds to Government Fund, to avoid problem or we will cancel the payment for this year until next year. Again after (THREE DAYS ) We will enter A new project for the year and that is the reason why we decided to help you before we enter into the new project.
We seem to have to pay then within the next three days or they will divert our funds to the Government or cancel them. Either one. Take your pick.
So be advise to send the $75. 00 access fee immediately, so that we will register your payment and you will start receiving $5000.00 as from tomorrow.
So, if we send the money you’ll send money back. Why didn’t you just say that without all the blathering?
Be advise that there is no time again for we to call you on phone unless you will call or contact us through this e-mail:( firstname.lastname@example.org)
After the payment of access fee$75. 00 you will start receiving your money every day $5000.00 through Western Union until the full payment of $800,000.000.00 is complete paid to you.
We were willing to consider your offer up to this point, but we are afraid we must pass.
At the rate of $5000 per day, it will take 160,000 days to collect the money. That seems a bit excessive and let us tell you why.
Today, as we write this, is October 13, 2012. It will take 438 years, 130 days to collect the money.
If we are able to collect on Sundays and holidays, we will reecive the last of our money on Sunday, November 6, 2450.
Let’s try to put that in perspective.
One hundred sixty thousand days ago was Friday, September 10, 1574.
That was three days before the Turkish fleet recaptured Tunis.
It was over a year before Johann Casimir von Pfalz-Simmern promised military aid to the Huguenots.
In other words, that was a long time ago.
We will be collecting money for over two hundred years after the birth of James Tiberiuis Kirk on March 22nd, 2233.
Babylon 5 will have been operational for nearly two hundred years at that time, having been placed in service in 2256.
The Nostromo will have been missing for over three hundred years, having been declared missing in 2123.
George Jetson will have been dead for over three hundred years.
It’s roughly the half-life of the Americium isotope Am-241.
It is sixty-one years before the birth of Master Chief Petty Officer John-117
We just don’t think we have that kind of time.
Another problem with this.
It is five miles to the Western Union Office. That’s a ten-mile round trip.
At thirty miles an hour, that’s twenty minutes.
Twenty minutes times one hundred sixty thousand is three million two hundred thousand minutes.
Which is fifty-three thousand three hundred and thirty-three hours.
Which in turn is two thousand two hundred twenty-two days, or a little over six years.
Hence, that’s a long time to spend in a car.
To make the problem worse, if you assume that the money is in an interest bearing account, it might take centuries longer.
At .5 % accrued once a year, $800,000,000 will yield $4,000,000 in interest. $5,000 a day for a year is only $1,825,000. That means that we will be receiving our money at less than half the rate at which the balance increases.
In order words, we have been sentenced to drive back and forth to Western Union for eternity for paying the meager sum of $75.
Throw in some accordion polka music and Hell would be complete.
But we digress.
Send the $75 access fee through Western Union Money Transfer with the information below,
RECEIVER:……….Mr Azichili Ibe
State ……………….. Lagos
Text Question…… Good
We would like to think that $5,000 a day was good news, but eternity is a very long time to spend in a car. Even if the infinite driving time is only part of the entire process.
The moment we receive the payment of $75. 00 we will release the first payment information of $5000 to you which you will pick up at your country at any western union post. Immediately you confirmed to us that you have picked it up we will proceed in sending another one, in this process you will be picking up your fund till it receive it completely.
Please, take your time, there’s no rush. The interest will pile up at almost $11,000 a day, so the $75 is only a little over an hour.
Thank God Bless you.
Mrs Mary John.
WESTERN UNION HEAD OFFICE DEPARTMENT
REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA. FOREIGN CONTRACTOR PAYMENT OFFICE
If you visit the original yet again, you will see that this came from Mery John.
They even got their own fake name wrong!
Well, if you haven’t guessed by now, this is a Fraud.
Please, please, please – do not be fooled by this should you receive it as well.
Despite the overall cleverness, it really is a Fraud.
That is all.
Elizabeth Warren is currently running for the Senate in Massachusetts.
She has made claims to Native American heritage.
She also tends to be very left leaning.
When she divorced her husband, James Warren, she kept his last name rather than returning to her maiden name, Herring.
When she remarried she still kept her first husband’s last name.
Her current husband is Bruce Mann.
Was it to avoid the inevitable Red Herring jokes?
Or is she avoiding the Red Mann label?
We were just wondering.
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